Lyric: Memory

Author's Note:
This is one of the fight scenes that Addison was remembering from his POV.

“Hey,” I said after I opened the front door and found him on my doorstep.

“Hey,” Addison said. He almost looked mad.

I held the door open wider, allowing him to enter. He walked under my arm, stopping two steps behind me. I closed the door and faced him.

I wanted to slap myself. He was going to notice that I was acting slightly different. He’s an observant person and notices everything on people he barely talks to. I could only imagine how quick he would notice with me. I still couldn’t figure out how I allowed any of this to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. I felt betrayed by my own emotions. Emotions that I could always control, at least, until now.

He pulled me into his arms. “Where is everybody?” he asked

“My dad is at the hospital. My mom had some sort of luncheon or something. Blair and Aidyn are in class. Colten went over to his friend’s house and I don’t know about Carson. I actually thought he was home,” I said.

“His car isn’t here,” he said.

“Oh,” I shrugged. “I wasn’t aware you and my brother were such good friends. Maybe I should call him and have him come home so you two could hang out,” I joked.

He let go of me and started walking to the couch.

“Hey, I was joking,” I said, following him.

I reached out, grabbed his hand, and pulled him to face me. “What’s wrong?”

He looked at me like I was speaking in Chinese.

“Nothing,” he mumbled.

I was about to ask again and push the subject, but he put his arms around me and pulled me into him. I looked up, searching his eyes for something to tell me what was wrong. I knew he was lying and was trying to keep it hidden from me. It wasn’t working though. I knew something was up.

“Really, wha-” I started to ask.

He leaned down and kissed me, gently, making my previous sentence disappear.

He pulled away and took a seat on the couch.

“I don’t think so,” I said, walking over and standing in front of him.

He looked like he was debating something. He looked up at me and I could see that something was really bugging him.

He pulled me into his lap and softly kissed my forehead.

“Don’t try the sweet gestures, just tell me what’s bugging you,” I said.

I knew what I was doing and I still wanted to slap myself. I was trying to get all the attention onto him in hopes that he wouldn’t notice me acting odd. I didn’t want him to bring it up because I knew I would tell him. I would tell him that my nightmares came true, that his nightmares came true. I was falling for him. I couldn’t tell him though even though we both knew it was going to happen. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to admit that I had lost control over my emotions and allowed this to happen.

“Why are you being so distant?”

“What? I’m not being distant,” I said.

“You are,” he insisted.

“How am I being distant?”

“You aren’t being yourself. You’re acting like how you act when you’re slightly mad at somebody but you don’t want them to know and you don’t want to make a big deal about it so you hide it and try to act normal except that it’s not actually you, and it’s not normal for you,” he answered.

“I’m fine, promise,” I said with a smile but even I knew it was fake.

“Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

“No! Not at all, I’m fine,” I insisted.

“You’re lying. Why won’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. Nothing is wrong.”

He brought his gaze down into his lap, like he was trying to focus on the blue color of his jeans. I knew better. He was trying to put the pieces together. He was going to figure it out. He brought his eyes back up to mine and I took a deep breath in, ready for what was going to happen next.

“Are you cheating on me?” he asked.

“What?!" I said, exhaling. That definitely wasn't what I was expecting. "No, of course not,” I said, my anger rising at the accusation.

“If there’s somebody else, just tell me.”

“There isn’t,” I said, my voice starting to rise.

How the hell could he think I was cheating on him? That’s the absolute last thing I would do to him, to anybody for that matter. I got off his lap and walked about a foot in front of him before I turned around.

“How could you think I could cheat on you?” I all but yelled.

“What am I supposed to think? You’re being distant. You won’t tell me what’s wrong,” he rambled.

“You could think that maybe you’re wrong and that you’re imagining me being distant. You could think that maybe nothing is wrong and I’m fine!” I yelled.

He got up from the couch and took a couple steps toward me. I backed up; I didn’t want him closer to me than he already was. I was furious.

“Is there somebody else?” he asked.

“NO!” I yelled. “Damn it, there’s nobody else, just you,” I said with a slightly calmer voice.

Realization did a little dance in front of me while it waited for me to accept that I needed to tell him.

“I’m falling in love with you,” I said to the ground.

He was quiet, his breathing erratic and heavy.

I stayed staring at the ground, waiting for him to make the next move.

“No, you can’t be,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.

“I am,” I confirmed.

I looked up and met his eyes, allowing him to see the truth in my words.

“I can’t, you can’t, no, this can’t happen,” he said.

I stood there in silence. I knew he wasn’t going to like the fact that I was falling in love with him. I didn’t like how this was going though. I was only somewhat okay with telling him because of the promise he made. The promise he made months ago, after we realized that there was the possibility that I might fall in love with him. I was clinging onto that promise like a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The promise that he wouldn’t leave me if I started falling in love with him, that he would be the best boyfriend he could possibly be.

“I can’t do this,” he said.

“You’re leaving me?” I asked, a mix of emotions running through my body, the most prominent being anger.

“I can’t let this happen.”

“What happened to ‘I promise not to leave you when you start to fall in love with me’?” I asked.

“I didn’t think it would actually happen,” he said.

“So since it did happen you can just break the promise because you didn’t really mean it in the first place?”

“I did mean it. I just- Lyric, I’ll just hurt you.”

“So get it done now, right? Leave me now while it hurts just not as bad.”

“Its better this way,” he reasoned.

“Yeah, miserable is definitely better than happiness,” I said sarcastically.

“It’s better than breaking your heart.”

“So let’s just crack it, it still hurts but not as bad.”

“Lyric, I can’t love you back. I can’t lie to you and even try to pretend I can.”

“You don’t think I know that? You said you never wanted to hurt me. Do you know what you’re doing now?” I asked.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t be able to fall in love with you. You deserve somebody who can love you back.”

“I want you though. I thought I made you happy. What happened to ‘I wouldn’t trade you for the world.’? And, ‘You’re perfect for me.’?” I said. “What happened to ‘I never want to lose you.’? And ‘I’m absolutely crazy about you.’?”

“You deserve better,” he argued.

“Don’t give me the ‘you deserve better’ crap,” I said, keeping my voice level. “Fine," I said, switching up my game. "Tell me this is what you want. Tell me that you really want this to be over. Tell me you want to leave me. Tell me that you want more than anything to walk away. Tell me that and I’ll accept it and let you go.”

He stood there, staring at the ground.

“Lie to me,” I said.

He looked up at me and shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t leave you,” he said, walking over to me.

He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly against him.

I pulled away after a moment, looking up into his eyes. I felt slightly doubtful. This was the second time he tried to end our relationship and I had to argue my way into keeping him. I was afraid it would happen again.

He saw the doubt in my eyes. He put his forehead against mine.

“I’m not leaving you,” he promised, grabbing my face with his hands.

And then he leaned in and kissed me, a kiss that almost sent me crashing to my knees.