Author's Note:
This is one of the fight scenes that Addison was remembering from his POV.
“Hey,” I said after I opened the front door and found him on my doorstep.
“Hey,” Addison said. He almost looked mad.
I held the door open wider, allowing him to enter. He walked under my arm, stopping two steps behind me. I closed the door and faced him.
I wanted to slap myself. He was going to notice that I was acting slightly different. He’s an observant person and notices everything on people he barely talks to. I could only imagine how quick he would notice with me. I still couldn’t figure out how I allowed any of this to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. I felt betrayed by my own emotions. Emotions that I could always control, at least, until now.
He pulled me into his arms. “Where is everybody?” he asked
“My dad is at the hospital. My mom had some sort of luncheon or something. Blair and Aidyn are in class. Colten went over to his friend’s house and I don’t know about Carson. I actually thought he was home,” I said.
“His car isn’t here,” he said.
“Oh,” I shrugged. “I wasn’t aware you and my brother were such good friends. Maybe I should call him and have him come home so you two could hang out,” I joked.
He let go of me and started walking to the couch.
“Hey, I was joking,” I said, following him.
I reached out, grabbed his hand, and pulled him to face me. “What’s wrong?”
He looked at me like I was speaking in Chinese.
“Nothing,” he mumbled.
I was about to ask again and push the subject, but he put his arms around me and pulled me into him. I looked up, searching his eyes for something to tell me what was wrong. I knew he was lying and was trying to keep it hidden from me. It wasn’t working though. I knew something was up.
“Really, wha-” I started to ask.
He leaned down and kissed me, gently, making my previous sentence disappear.
He pulled away and took a seat on the couch.
“I don’t think so,” I said, walking over and standing in front of him.
He looked like he was debating something. He looked up at me and I could see that something was really bugging him.
He pulled me into his lap and softly kissed my forehead.
“Don’t try the sweet gestures, just tell me what’s bugging you,” I said.
I knew what I was doing and I still wanted to slap myself. I was trying to get all the attention onto him in hopes that he wouldn’t notice me acting odd. I didn’t want him to bring it up because I knew I would tell him. I would tell him that my nightmares came true, that his nightmares came true. I was falling for him. I couldn’t tell him though even though we both knew it was going to happen. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to admit that I had lost control over my emotions and allowed this to happen.
“Why are you being so distant?”
“What? I’m not being distant,” I said.
“You are,” he insisted.
“How am I being distant?”
“You aren’t being yourself. You’re acting like how you act when you’re slightly mad at somebody but you don’t want them to know and you don’t want to make a big deal about it so you hide it and try to act normal except that it’s not actually you, and it’s not normal for you,” he answered.
“I’m fine, promise,” I said with a smile but even I knew it was fake.
“Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”
“No! Not at all, I’m fine,” I insisted.
“You’re lying. Why won’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing. Nothing is wrong.”
He brought his gaze down into his lap, like he was trying to focus on the blue color of his jeans. I knew better. He was trying to put the pieces together. He was going to figure it out. He brought his eyes back up to mine and I took a deep breath in, ready for what was going to happen next.
“Are you cheating on me?” he asked.
“What?!" I said, exhaling. That definitely wasn't what I was expecting. "No, of course not,” I said, my anger rising at the accusation.
“If there’s somebody else, just tell me.”
“There isn’t,” I said, my voice starting to rise.
How the hell could he think I was cheating on him? That’s the absolute last thing I would do to him, to anybody for that matter. I got off his lap and walked about a foot in front of him before I turned around.
“How could you think I could cheat on you?” I all but yelled.
“What am I supposed to think? You’re being distant. You won’t tell me what’s wrong,” he rambled.
“You could think that maybe you’re wrong and that you’re imagining me being distant. You could think that maybe nothing is wrong and I’m fine!” I yelled.
He got up from the couch and took a couple steps toward me. I backed up; I didn’t want him closer to me than he already was. I was furious.
“Is there somebody else?” he asked.
“NO!” I yelled. “Damn it, there’s nobody else, just you,” I said with a slightly calmer voice.
Realization did a little dance in front of me while it waited for me to accept that I needed to tell him.
“I’m falling in love with you,” I said to the ground.
He was quiet, his breathing erratic and heavy.
I stayed staring at the ground, waiting for him to make the next move.
“No, you can’t be,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“I am,” I confirmed.
I looked up and met his eyes, allowing him to see the truth in my words.
“I can’t, you can’t, no, this can’t happen,” he said.
I stood there in silence. I knew he wasn’t going to like the fact that I was falling in love with him. I didn’t like how this was going though. I was only somewhat okay with telling him because of the promise he made. The promise he made months ago, after we realized that there was the possibility that I might fall in love with him. I was clinging onto that promise like a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
The promise that he wouldn’t leave me if I started falling in love with him, that he would be the best boyfriend he could possibly be.
“I can’t do this,” he said.
“You’re leaving me?” I asked, a mix of emotions running through my body, the most prominent being anger.
“I can’t let this happen.”
“What happened to ‘I promise not to leave you when you start to fall in love with me’?” I asked.
“I didn’t think it would actually happen,” he said.
“So since it did happen you can just break the promise because you didn’t really mean it in the first place?”
“I did mean it. I just- Lyric, I’ll just hurt you.”
“So get it done now, right? Leave me now while it hurts just not as bad.”
“Its better this way,” he reasoned.
“Yeah, miserable is definitely better than happiness,” I said sarcastically.
“It’s better than breaking your heart.”
“So let’s just crack it, it still hurts but not as bad.”
“Lyric, I can’t love you back. I can’t lie to you and even try to pretend I can.”
“You don’t think I know that? You said you never wanted to hurt me. Do you know what you’re doing now?” I asked.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t be able to fall in love with you. You deserve somebody who can love you back.”
“I want you though. I thought I made you happy. What happened to ‘I wouldn’t trade you for the world.’? And, ‘You’re perfect for me.’?” I said. “What happened to ‘I never want to lose you.’? And ‘I’m absolutely crazy about you.’?”
“You deserve better,” he argued.
“Don’t give me the ‘you deserve better’ crap,” I said, keeping my voice level. “Fine," I said, switching up my game. "Tell me this is what you want. Tell me that you really want this to be over. Tell me you want to leave me. Tell me that you want more than anything to walk away. Tell me that and I’ll accept it and let you go.”
He stood there, staring at the ground.
“Lie to me,” I said.
He looked up at me and shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t leave you,” he said, walking over to me.
He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly against him.
I pulled away after a moment, looking up into his eyes. I felt slightly doubtful. This was the second time he tried to end our relationship and I had to argue my way into keeping him. I was afraid it would happen again.
He saw the doubt in my eyes. He put his forehead against mine.
“I’m not leaving you,” he promised, grabbing my face with his hands.
And then he leaned in and kissed me, a kiss that almost sent me crashing to my knees.
Lyric: Seven
Posted in on 12:21 PM by Anonymous
The spot is this spot in an open field at the park by the school. It’s where he asked me to be his girlfriend. I saw his car when I pulled into the parking lot. ‘Okay,’ I tell myself. ‘Whatever you do, don’t cry.’
I walked up to where he was standing, stopping about six feet away from him. I was afraid to get any closer. I didn’t want to impulsively do something I’d regret, like touch him.
He glanced up at me. “Hey,” he said.
I immediately looked down at my shoes. I felt my stomach clench and my heart drop. That one second glance from him made me weak. “Hi,” I whispered.
“Can you look at me?” He asked as he took a step forward.
“Why?” I snapped as I looked up at him. I met his eyes and my knees almost gave out. I caught my balance, never losing his stare. I realized I was pissed. I was pissed for his stupidity that made the past three days hell for me. I was pissed because he never called me. I was pissed because it seemed like it was so easy for him to give up and let this go. Let us go. I know why I hadn’t called him. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. I wanted him to come to me. Now that I had gotten what I wanted it was his move. The ball was in his court.
“I don’t know,” he said.
I just stood there. I still had no idea what to say. I wanted to ask why he made me meet him. But I was afraid of that answer. I was afraid if I asked he would just say forget it and leave. If it was really going to be over with us I wanted this moment to last as long as possible. It was going to be the last one I got.
“Why did you do it?” he finally asked.
“You doubted me.”
“So you just end it?”
“You think that’s what I wanted?” I snapped.
“You said it,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“Doesn’t mean I meant it,” I said.
“Then why did you say it?”
“I told you, you doubted me. You made me feel weak. I only said it to prove you wrong. I wanted to be right.”
“You got what you wanted,” he whispered as he looked down.
“Yeah, breaking my own heart is exactly what I wanted,” I said sarcastically.
“Then what do you want?”
“What do you think?” I asked, dropping my voice a little bit. I couldn’t figure out what he was being so dense. He knew exactly what I wanted. Why else would I have come to meet him? If I really wanted this to be over I would have told him to kiss my ass and ignored him. Just like I have with every other guy still hung up over me after a break up. With him though, I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t even mean it when I said it was over. I was just trying to not feel weak.
“I need to hear you say it.”
“I want you, you idiot.”
He laughed. “I didn’t think you would actually do it.”
“Of course you didn’t. That’s why I did it. Doubt, it motivates me. I like being right, you know that. When somebody doubts me I want to prove them wrong. I didn’t mean it though.”
“So the past three days have been a nightmare for me all because I was being stupid?”
“Pretty much,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said finally looking me in the eyes again.
He took another step forward. I felt my leg go to take a step forward but I stopped it. I felt fear creep up my body. I didn’t want to make a mistake. I still felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I kept his stare. He kept taking small steps forward. I stayed planted in my spot. I was almost too afraid to even move. He stopped when he was about three inches away from me. I took a deep breath. The scent of his cologne filled my nose. I smiled. I wanted to take that step, that step that would put me in his arms and put my body against his. But I was afraid. I was afraid he would break my heart again. I was afraid he would walk away if I took that step.
But I didn’t have to. He took the last step and put his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. I felt my eyes start to water. But I kept it in. I put my arms around him, hugging him back.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.
And I felt my heart reassemble itself, becoming whole again.
I walked up to where he was standing, stopping about six feet away from him. I was afraid to get any closer. I didn’t want to impulsively do something I’d regret, like touch him.
He glanced up at me. “Hey,” he said.
I immediately looked down at my shoes. I felt my stomach clench and my heart drop. That one second glance from him made me weak. “Hi,” I whispered.
“Can you look at me?” He asked as he took a step forward.
“Why?” I snapped as I looked up at him. I met his eyes and my knees almost gave out. I caught my balance, never losing his stare. I realized I was pissed. I was pissed for his stupidity that made the past three days hell for me. I was pissed because he never called me. I was pissed because it seemed like it was so easy for him to give up and let this go. Let us go. I know why I hadn’t called him. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. I wanted him to come to me. Now that I had gotten what I wanted it was his move. The ball was in his court.
“I don’t know,” he said.
I just stood there. I still had no idea what to say. I wanted to ask why he made me meet him. But I was afraid of that answer. I was afraid if I asked he would just say forget it and leave. If it was really going to be over with us I wanted this moment to last as long as possible. It was going to be the last one I got.
“Why did you do it?” he finally asked.
“You doubted me.”
“So you just end it?”
“You think that’s what I wanted?” I snapped.
“You said it,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“Doesn’t mean I meant it,” I said.
“Then why did you say it?”
“I told you, you doubted me. You made me feel weak. I only said it to prove you wrong. I wanted to be right.”
“You got what you wanted,” he whispered as he looked down.
“Yeah, breaking my own heart is exactly what I wanted,” I said sarcastically.
“Then what do you want?”
“What do you think?” I asked, dropping my voice a little bit. I couldn’t figure out what he was being so dense. He knew exactly what I wanted. Why else would I have come to meet him? If I really wanted this to be over I would have told him to kiss my ass and ignored him. Just like I have with every other guy still hung up over me after a break up. With him though, I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t even mean it when I said it was over. I was just trying to not feel weak.
“I need to hear you say it.”
“I want you, you idiot.”
He laughed. “I didn’t think you would actually do it.”
“Of course you didn’t. That’s why I did it. Doubt, it motivates me. I like being right, you know that. When somebody doubts me I want to prove them wrong. I didn’t mean it though.”
“So the past three days have been a nightmare for me all because I was being stupid?”
“Pretty much,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said finally looking me in the eyes again.
He took another step forward. I felt my leg go to take a step forward but I stopped it. I felt fear creep up my body. I didn’t want to make a mistake. I still felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I kept his stare. He kept taking small steps forward. I stayed planted in my spot. I was almost too afraid to even move. He stopped when he was about three inches away from me. I took a deep breath. The scent of his cologne filled my nose. I smiled. I wanted to take that step, that step that would put me in his arms and put my body against his. But I was afraid. I was afraid he would break my heart again. I was afraid he would walk away if I took that step.
But I didn’t have to. He took the last step and put his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. I felt my eyes start to water. But I kept it in. I put my arms around him, hugging him back.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.
And I felt my heart reassemble itself, becoming whole again.
Lyric: Six
Posted in on 12:18 PM by Anonymous
“I love you.”
I watched as his lips curled up into a smile before he leaned in and gently kissed my lips. “I love you,” he whispered. I felt my heart fly. I will never get used to him say that. I still couldn’t figure out how I got him to fall for me in the first place. I felt his arms tighten around my waist as he pulled me in closer. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered. I glanced up and found him already looking at me. I lost my train of thought for the split second that my eyes met his. I had no idea what to say so I just smiled.
“Tu es muy guapo,” I said to his chest. I felt his body cave in a little as he laughed.
“And you said you were horrible at Spanish.”
“I am! I can only put together simple sentences. As long as they don’t require verbs,” I argued. I felt him laugh again and smiled. His laugh was contagious to me.
It could always make me smile, guaranteed. It was kind of bad when we argued. He thought it was cute when I was mad. He would end up slightly laughing and I would end up smiling, which would manage to squash out any anger I had. It’s hard to be mad when you’re smiling. It worked in his favor, most of the time.
“Whatever you say, dear,” he mumbled.
I leaned in and kissed his neck. I heard him sigh in pleasure as he somehow managed to pull me in tighter against his body. He kissed my forehead and rolled us over so that I was lying on my back and he was on top of me. I looked up at him and felt a smile creep across my lips. He traced his index finger across my jaw line. I reached up and placed my hands on both sides of his face. I knew where he wanted this to go. I also knew that he knew that I wouldn’t let it get even close to that. For some reason though, I was thinking about changing my mind. Break the rules I’ve set up. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I have those rules for a reason. But then again, a lot of the ‘rules’ I’ve had have been broken ever since I met him. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love either.
“Don’t worry, I know,” he said. “I just want to keep this image of you in my mind.”
“What image?”
“The image of you being in my arms; I kind of like it.”
“Why’s that?” I asked, curious.
“I have the girl I love in my arms, with me. What’s not to like?”
I felt another smile come across my lips. He’s rarely sweet, but when he was it was enough to knock King Kong off his feet. I pulled his face down and kissed him, hard, trying to put every emotion I was currently feeling into that one kiss.
He pulled away. “Baby,” he smiled.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing,” he said as he got back onto his side and pulled me into his chest.
“I don’t think so. Tell me,” I pushed, leaning in to kiss his neck again. His weak spot, I could win this.
“Hmmmm, no,” he whispered.
I kissed his neck again, “Please?”
I felt him tighten his arms around my back, pulling me in closer. I kept kissing his neck. “Baby,” I whispered.
“Ugh. Alright, you win,” he groaned. In one swift motion he grabbed my leg and pulled us around so that he was on his back and I was sitting on top of him.
I looked at him meeting his eyes, waiting for him to tell me.
“I was just thinking.”
“Go figure. About?”
“You,” he said with a smile.
“What about me?”
“Just you, how you are,” he said looking straight into my eyes.
“How I am?”
“How you’re perfect for me,” he whispered. He didn’t look away.
I slid my hands up his chest, leaning in as I did so I was putting my face centimeters from his. “Oh yeah,” I whispered.
“You have no idea.”
I kissed him. “Give me one,” I said.
“You could kiss me again, that’s an idea.”
I did. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I know. I just wanted another kiss.”
“Now that you’ve gotten one, start explaining,” I said. Then I thought about it for a second. “Wait,” I stopped him.
“What?”
“Tell me why you love me,” I whispered. I wasn’t even looking in his eyes anymore. I was looking at the dimple in his cheek.
“Is that seriously a question?”
“No, I asked it because I wanted to compare notes with your exes to see if you’re telling me the same bullshit,” I said sarcastically.
“You wouldn’t get very far. I’ve never told any of them that I loved them.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve never loved anybody before I met you. You’re the first, and only; most likely the last as well.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I told you, you’re perfect for me. I love you. Why would I want to fall in love with anybody else?”
“Why do you love me in the first place?”
“You’re intelligent. You’re stubborn and sarcastic. You’re argumentative. You’re funny, independent. You can handle me, you can deal with me. You keep me in line. You’re amazing. Oh, and you’re extremely gorgeous.”
I had no idea what to say to any of that. I finally brought my gaze to his eyes. His look confirmed everything he just said. “Does that answer your question?” he asked.
I nodded. I leaned back down to kiss him, gently. I started to pull away when he grabbed my face and pulled me back in, kissing me urgently, as if he was trying to prove everything he just said, in case I had any doubt. I let myself get lost in his touch, taste, and the moment.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket drawing me out of my memory and bringing me back into the real world. My government class to be exact. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check it. I stared at the screen in disbelief. It was from him: “Meet me at the spot? After class.”
I watched as his lips curled up into a smile before he leaned in and gently kissed my lips. “I love you,” he whispered. I felt my heart fly. I will never get used to him say that. I still couldn’t figure out how I got him to fall for me in the first place. I felt his arms tighten around my waist as he pulled me in closer. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered. I glanced up and found him already looking at me. I lost my train of thought for the split second that my eyes met his. I had no idea what to say so I just smiled.
“Tu es muy guapo,” I said to his chest. I felt his body cave in a little as he laughed.
“And you said you were horrible at Spanish.”
“I am! I can only put together simple sentences. As long as they don’t require verbs,” I argued. I felt him laugh again and smiled. His laugh was contagious to me.
It could always make me smile, guaranteed. It was kind of bad when we argued. He thought it was cute when I was mad. He would end up slightly laughing and I would end up smiling, which would manage to squash out any anger I had. It’s hard to be mad when you’re smiling. It worked in his favor, most of the time.
“Whatever you say, dear,” he mumbled.
I leaned in and kissed his neck. I heard him sigh in pleasure as he somehow managed to pull me in tighter against his body. He kissed my forehead and rolled us over so that I was lying on my back and he was on top of me. I looked up at him and felt a smile creep across my lips. He traced his index finger across my jaw line. I reached up and placed my hands on both sides of his face. I knew where he wanted this to go. I also knew that he knew that I wouldn’t let it get even close to that. For some reason though, I was thinking about changing my mind. Break the rules I’ve set up. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I have those rules for a reason. But then again, a lot of the ‘rules’ I’ve had have been broken ever since I met him. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love either.
“Don’t worry, I know,” he said. “I just want to keep this image of you in my mind.”
“What image?”
“The image of you being in my arms; I kind of like it.”
“Why’s that?” I asked, curious.
“I have the girl I love in my arms, with me. What’s not to like?”
I felt another smile come across my lips. He’s rarely sweet, but when he was it was enough to knock King Kong off his feet. I pulled his face down and kissed him, hard, trying to put every emotion I was currently feeling into that one kiss.
He pulled away. “Baby,” he smiled.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing,” he said as he got back onto his side and pulled me into his chest.
“I don’t think so. Tell me,” I pushed, leaning in to kiss his neck again. His weak spot, I could win this.
“Hmmmm, no,” he whispered.
I kissed his neck again, “Please?”
I felt him tighten his arms around my back, pulling me in closer. I kept kissing his neck. “Baby,” I whispered.
“Ugh. Alright, you win,” he groaned. In one swift motion he grabbed my leg and pulled us around so that he was on his back and I was sitting on top of him.
I looked at him meeting his eyes, waiting for him to tell me.
“I was just thinking.”
“Go figure. About?”
“You,” he said with a smile.
“What about me?”
“Just you, how you are,” he said looking straight into my eyes.
“How I am?”
“How you’re perfect for me,” he whispered. He didn’t look away.
I slid my hands up his chest, leaning in as I did so I was putting my face centimeters from his. “Oh yeah,” I whispered.
“You have no idea.”
I kissed him. “Give me one,” I said.
“You could kiss me again, that’s an idea.”
I did. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I know. I just wanted another kiss.”
“Now that you’ve gotten one, start explaining,” I said. Then I thought about it for a second. “Wait,” I stopped him.
“What?”
“Tell me why you love me,” I whispered. I wasn’t even looking in his eyes anymore. I was looking at the dimple in his cheek.
“Is that seriously a question?”
“No, I asked it because I wanted to compare notes with your exes to see if you’re telling me the same bullshit,” I said sarcastically.
“You wouldn’t get very far. I’ve never told any of them that I loved them.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve never loved anybody before I met you. You’re the first, and only; most likely the last as well.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I told you, you’re perfect for me. I love you. Why would I want to fall in love with anybody else?”
“Why do you love me in the first place?”
“You’re intelligent. You’re stubborn and sarcastic. You’re argumentative. You’re funny, independent. You can handle me, you can deal with me. You keep me in line. You’re amazing. Oh, and you’re extremely gorgeous.”
I had no idea what to say to any of that. I finally brought my gaze to his eyes. His look confirmed everything he just said. “Does that answer your question?” he asked.
I nodded. I leaned back down to kiss him, gently. I started to pull away when he grabbed my face and pulled me back in, kissing me urgently, as if he was trying to prove everything he just said, in case I had any doubt. I let myself get lost in his touch, taste, and the moment.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket drawing me out of my memory and bringing me back into the real world. My government class to be exact. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check it. I stared at the screen in disbelief. It was from him: “Meet me at the spot? After class.”
Addison.
Posted in on 12:17 PM by Anonymous
I hated her. At least, I wish I could hate her. If I could hate her my life would be a whole lot easier.
I still had no idea how she did it. I never believed in love. I never thought I had the ability to love. I’ve gone through eighteen years of my life never loving a single person. I don’t even love my family. I don’t care about people for that matter either. I care for three people in the world, and I planned on keeping it that way. I’m extremely pessimistic, manipulative, and intelligent. I know exactly what lies to tell a girl to get whatever I wanted from her, and the best part, I could make it one hundred percent believable. I was the living definition of an asshole. I was a girl’s worst nightmare.
Then I met her. I never thought this would go very far. She had a good girl reputation. Everybody knew who she was because her older brothers were legends. She had morals, self-respect, and dignity. She was everything people expected of her. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, and could play almost any sport. She was brutally honest and didn’t take crap from anybody. She wasn’t big on relationships, and didn’t stay in one for long. She was the perfect candidate for me. I loved a challenge. I wanted to see if I could manipulate her, change her. She was also a virgin, claiming to be waiting until she got married. I wanted to change that too. I already had a plan in mind. I thought I knew exactly what it would take to break her.
I didn’t deserve her. Even though she thinks the complete opposite, I know I didn’t. She was the literal definition of amazing. She really had no idea the effect she had on me. She came in and changed every view of love, life, and myself that I ever had. I don’t even know how. When I was with her it felt right, perfect even. Her smile was the killer. Her smile could almost send me crashing to the ground. When she smiled it was like the entire world lit up. She made me experience happiness, a feeling I’ve never had my entire life. I’ve always been content, never happy.
I hated myself. I should have never let this get this far. A few months into our relationship and we realized she was probably going to fall for me. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have her fall in love with me. I was just going to hurt her in the end. I knew I would. But I couldn’t lose her. The thought alone made me feel empty inside. I knew it would kill me to lose her. So I made her a promise, a promise I probably should have never made. But I didn’t want to lose her. I promised her that when she fell in love with me I would be the best boyfriend I could possibly be. I promised her I wouldn’t leave her when she did. That was her biggest fear. She was afraid that I would leave her when she fell in love with me.
I almost broke that promise. She was acting distant and I couldn’t take it. I kept thinking she was cheating on me. Deep inside, I knew she wasn’t that type of person, but my mind always jumped to the worst conclusions. So I asked her about it. It led to a fight, because she said she didn’t know how she was being distant. I asked if there was somebody else. I had been thinking about it for some time and if she wanted to be with somebody else, I would let her go. I just wanted her to be happy. The fight got worse and I was about to end it. I couldn’t take the hurt, the pain I was experiencing. I’ve never felt this before and I didn’t like it. I wanted it to end. Right before I could tell her it was over she told me. She told me exactly what was happening in my nightmares. She was falling for me. I tried to end it then. I couldn’t let her fall for me. It was killing me to let her go but I had to do it. It would be better for both of us, even if she couldn’t see it. She fought me. She brought up every promise I made and everything I’ve told her about how I feel about her. She wasn’t letting me go without a fight. With every new point I found it harder and harder to stop talking to her, and end it. Then she said “tell me this is what you want, tell me that you want this to be over. I’ll accept it and leave you alone.” I didn’t say anything. She knew I didn’t want this to be over. I wanted her and this relationship. “Lie to me,” she had said. I couldn’t lie to her. Even if it was for the better, I just couldn’t. “I can’t. I can’t leave you.” I told her and pulled her into my arms. She was going to fall in love with me, and I couldn’t stop it. But I couldn’t lose her at the same time. I needed her.
I stared up at my ceiling as I kept remembering our relationship. A couple weeks after that fight she started being distant again. My mind, of course, starting jumping to the worst possible conclusion and I started another fight. That was the fight that she told me that she was in love with me. Those three words ended that fight faster than anything else could have. I felt my heart soar. Some of my past girlfriends have told me that they were in love with me, but it wasn’t the same coming from her. It made me feel good inside. I loved hearing her say it too. She didn’t want to even tell me in the first place. But I had to go off and start a fight. If I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have found out. I was jealous of her though. I wanted to experience love. I wanted to feel for her what she felt for me, more than anything. I wanted to fall in love with her. I wanted to so bad.
I got my wish. The weekend after she told me I went out of town with my family to a small town in Colorado to visit family. I wasn’t going to be able to get cell service, so we wouldn’t be able to talk until I got back. The first day was the worst. It was hell not being able to talk to her. Every time I had a free moment to myself she was what I was thinking about. Even when I was preoccupied with something, she was in the back of my mind. When I went to bed that night, it hit me. I was in love with her. I’ve never felt these feelings before. But I knew it was love. I’ve never thought about a girlfriend like this before. It’s never bothered me that I couldn’t talk to them. I loved her and I had to tell her. I got out of bed and went to look for my grandma’s house phone. I thought about waiting until I got back home to tell her. That idea sounded better after I looked at the clock and saw that it was three in the morning, meaning that it was one in the morning over in Vegas. She would probably be in bed. But I found myself dialing her number anyway. I just had to tell her now. I was kind of worried, she doesn’t normally answer to numbers she doesn’t know. My grandma’s number definitely falls under that category. I listened to it ringing, hoping that’d she would answer anyway. She answered on the fifth ring. “Hello?” she mumbled. “Hey baby. Did I wake you up?” “Yeah sort of, where are you calling me from?” “My grandma’s house, but listen, I realized something.” I told her urgently. I felt bad I woke her up, I almost considered letting her go back to sleep and just telling her when I got home. But then she said, “And what’s that? You discovered that you rather have a semi-country girl from Colorado than me?” with a yawn and right then I wished for nothing more than to be able to be laying down with her, holding her in my arms. “No, you crazy head, I-“ I started. My heart skipped beat and I lost my breath. I couldn’t believe I was actually about to tell a girl that I was in love with her. I never thought I’d see this day. “You what?” she asked, completely alert now. I heard the small fear in her voice. She thought I was about to leave her. “I love you,” I whispered. “Are you sure?” she asked, cautious. “I’m positive, dear. You have no idea what I’ve been going through today not being able to talk to you. It hit me just before I called you. I had to tell you.” I said and breathed. I felt my heart race and my breath become shorter and shorter. “I love you,” she finally said back. I sighed in relief, she had no idea how hearing that made me feel. “Go back to bed. I’ll see you when I come home.” “Alright, goodnight,” she said, already on the verge of falling back asleep. “Goodnight, baby,” I said and hung up the phone. I lay back in bed, falling asleep with the world’s biggest smile.
I rolled over on my bed. I felt my stomach clench, I missed her. I’m an idiot. I pushed her into ending it. This is all my fault. I had to fix it. I need her. I need to talk to her.
I still had no idea how she did it. I never believed in love. I never thought I had the ability to love. I’ve gone through eighteen years of my life never loving a single person. I don’t even love my family. I don’t care about people for that matter either. I care for three people in the world, and I planned on keeping it that way. I’m extremely pessimistic, manipulative, and intelligent. I know exactly what lies to tell a girl to get whatever I wanted from her, and the best part, I could make it one hundred percent believable. I was the living definition of an asshole. I was a girl’s worst nightmare.
Then I met her. I never thought this would go very far. She had a good girl reputation. Everybody knew who she was because her older brothers were legends. She had morals, self-respect, and dignity. She was everything people expected of her. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, and could play almost any sport. She was brutally honest and didn’t take crap from anybody. She wasn’t big on relationships, and didn’t stay in one for long. She was the perfect candidate for me. I loved a challenge. I wanted to see if I could manipulate her, change her. She was also a virgin, claiming to be waiting until she got married. I wanted to change that too. I already had a plan in mind. I thought I knew exactly what it would take to break her.
I didn’t deserve her. Even though she thinks the complete opposite, I know I didn’t. She was the literal definition of amazing. She really had no idea the effect she had on me. She came in and changed every view of love, life, and myself that I ever had. I don’t even know how. When I was with her it felt right, perfect even. Her smile was the killer. Her smile could almost send me crashing to the ground. When she smiled it was like the entire world lit up. She made me experience happiness, a feeling I’ve never had my entire life. I’ve always been content, never happy.
I hated myself. I should have never let this get this far. A few months into our relationship and we realized she was probably going to fall for me. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have her fall in love with me. I was just going to hurt her in the end. I knew I would. But I couldn’t lose her. The thought alone made me feel empty inside. I knew it would kill me to lose her. So I made her a promise, a promise I probably should have never made. But I didn’t want to lose her. I promised her that when she fell in love with me I would be the best boyfriend I could possibly be. I promised her I wouldn’t leave her when she did. That was her biggest fear. She was afraid that I would leave her when she fell in love with me.
I almost broke that promise. She was acting distant and I couldn’t take it. I kept thinking she was cheating on me. Deep inside, I knew she wasn’t that type of person, but my mind always jumped to the worst conclusions. So I asked her about it. It led to a fight, because she said she didn’t know how she was being distant. I asked if there was somebody else. I had been thinking about it for some time and if she wanted to be with somebody else, I would let her go. I just wanted her to be happy. The fight got worse and I was about to end it. I couldn’t take the hurt, the pain I was experiencing. I’ve never felt this before and I didn’t like it. I wanted it to end. Right before I could tell her it was over she told me. She told me exactly what was happening in my nightmares. She was falling for me. I tried to end it then. I couldn’t let her fall for me. It was killing me to let her go but I had to do it. It would be better for both of us, even if she couldn’t see it. She fought me. She brought up every promise I made and everything I’ve told her about how I feel about her. She wasn’t letting me go without a fight. With every new point I found it harder and harder to stop talking to her, and end it. Then she said “tell me this is what you want, tell me that you want this to be over. I’ll accept it and leave you alone.” I didn’t say anything. She knew I didn’t want this to be over. I wanted her and this relationship. “Lie to me,” she had said. I couldn’t lie to her. Even if it was for the better, I just couldn’t. “I can’t. I can’t leave you.” I told her and pulled her into my arms. She was going to fall in love with me, and I couldn’t stop it. But I couldn’t lose her at the same time. I needed her.
I stared up at my ceiling as I kept remembering our relationship. A couple weeks after that fight she started being distant again. My mind, of course, starting jumping to the worst possible conclusion and I started another fight. That was the fight that she told me that she was in love with me. Those three words ended that fight faster than anything else could have. I felt my heart soar. Some of my past girlfriends have told me that they were in love with me, but it wasn’t the same coming from her. It made me feel good inside. I loved hearing her say it too. She didn’t want to even tell me in the first place. But I had to go off and start a fight. If I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have found out. I was jealous of her though. I wanted to experience love. I wanted to feel for her what she felt for me, more than anything. I wanted to fall in love with her. I wanted to so bad.
I got my wish. The weekend after she told me I went out of town with my family to a small town in Colorado to visit family. I wasn’t going to be able to get cell service, so we wouldn’t be able to talk until I got back. The first day was the worst. It was hell not being able to talk to her. Every time I had a free moment to myself she was what I was thinking about. Even when I was preoccupied with something, she was in the back of my mind. When I went to bed that night, it hit me. I was in love with her. I’ve never felt these feelings before. But I knew it was love. I’ve never thought about a girlfriend like this before. It’s never bothered me that I couldn’t talk to them. I loved her and I had to tell her. I got out of bed and went to look for my grandma’s house phone. I thought about waiting until I got back home to tell her. That idea sounded better after I looked at the clock and saw that it was three in the morning, meaning that it was one in the morning over in Vegas. She would probably be in bed. But I found myself dialing her number anyway. I just had to tell her now. I was kind of worried, she doesn’t normally answer to numbers she doesn’t know. My grandma’s number definitely falls under that category. I listened to it ringing, hoping that’d she would answer anyway. She answered on the fifth ring. “Hello?” she mumbled. “Hey baby. Did I wake you up?” “Yeah sort of, where are you calling me from?” “My grandma’s house, but listen, I realized something.” I told her urgently. I felt bad I woke her up, I almost considered letting her go back to sleep and just telling her when I got home. But then she said, “And what’s that? You discovered that you rather have a semi-country girl from Colorado than me?” with a yawn and right then I wished for nothing more than to be able to be laying down with her, holding her in my arms. “No, you crazy head, I-“ I started. My heart skipped beat and I lost my breath. I couldn’t believe I was actually about to tell a girl that I was in love with her. I never thought I’d see this day. “You what?” she asked, completely alert now. I heard the small fear in her voice. She thought I was about to leave her. “I love you,” I whispered. “Are you sure?” she asked, cautious. “I’m positive, dear. You have no idea what I’ve been going through today not being able to talk to you. It hit me just before I called you. I had to tell you.” I said and breathed. I felt my heart race and my breath become shorter and shorter. “I love you,” she finally said back. I sighed in relief, she had no idea how hearing that made me feel. “Go back to bed. I’ll see you when I come home.” “Alright, goodnight,” she said, already on the verge of falling back asleep. “Goodnight, baby,” I said and hung up the phone. I lay back in bed, falling asleep with the world’s biggest smile.
I rolled over on my bed. I felt my stomach clench, I missed her. I’m an idiot. I pushed her into ending it. This is all my fault. I had to fix it. I need her. I need to talk to her.
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