Addison.

I hated her. At least, I wish I could hate her. If I could hate her my life would be a whole lot easier.

I still had no idea how she did it. I never believed in love. I never thought I had the ability to love. I’ve gone through eighteen years of my life never loving a single person. I don’t even love my family. I don’t care about people for that matter either. I care for three people in the world, and I planned on keeping it that way. I’m extremely pessimistic, manipulative, and intelligent. I know exactly what lies to tell a girl to get whatever I wanted from her, and the best part, I could make it one hundred percent believable. I was the living definition of an asshole. I was a girl’s worst nightmare.

Then I met her. I never thought this would go very far. She had a good girl reputation. Everybody knew who she was because her older brothers were legends. She had morals, self-respect, and dignity. She was everything people expected of her. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, and could play almost any sport. She was brutally honest and didn’t take crap from anybody. She wasn’t big on relationships, and didn’t stay in one for long. She was the perfect candidate for me. I loved a challenge. I wanted to see if I could manipulate her, change her. She was also a virgin, claiming to be waiting until she got married. I wanted to change that too. I already had a plan in mind. I thought I knew exactly what it would take to break her.

I didn’t deserve her. Even though she thinks the complete opposite, I know I didn’t. She was the literal definition of amazing. She really had no idea the effect she had on me. She came in and changed every view of love, life, and myself that I ever had. I don’t even know how. When I was with her it felt right, perfect even. Her smile was the killer. Her smile could almost send me crashing to the ground. When she smiled it was like the entire world lit up. She made me experience happiness, a feeling I’ve never had my entire life. I’ve always been content, never happy.

I hated myself. I should have never let this get this far. A few months into our relationship and we realized she was probably going to fall for me. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have her fall in love with me. I was just going to hurt her in the end. I knew I would. But I couldn’t lose her. The thought alone made me feel empty inside. I knew it would kill me to lose her. So I made her a promise, a promise I probably should have never made. But I didn’t want to lose her. I promised her that when she fell in love with me I would be the best boyfriend I could possibly be. I promised her I wouldn’t leave her when she did. That was her biggest fear. She was afraid that I would leave her when she fell in love with me.

I almost broke that promise. She was acting distant and I couldn’t take it. I kept thinking she was cheating on me. Deep inside, I knew she wasn’t that type of person, but my mind always jumped to the worst conclusions. So I asked her about it. It led to a fight, because she said she didn’t know how she was being distant. I asked if there was somebody else. I had been thinking about it for some time and if she wanted to be with somebody else, I would let her go. I just wanted her to be happy. The fight got worse and I was about to end it. I couldn’t take the hurt, the pain I was experiencing. I’ve never felt this before and I didn’t like it. I wanted it to end. Right before I could tell her it was over she told me. She told me exactly what was happening in my nightmares. She was falling for me. I tried to end it then. I couldn’t let her fall for me. It was killing me to let her go but I had to do it. It would be better for both of us, even if she couldn’t see it. She fought me. She brought up every promise I made and everything I’ve told her about how I feel about her. She wasn’t letting me go without a fight. With every new point I found it harder and harder to stop talking to her, and end it. Then she said “tell me this is what you want, tell me that you want this to be over. I’ll accept it and leave you alone.” I didn’t say anything. She knew I didn’t want this to be over. I wanted her and this relationship. “Lie to me,” she had said. I couldn’t lie to her. Even if it was for the better, I just couldn’t. “I can’t. I can’t leave you.” I told her and pulled her into my arms. She was going to fall in love with me, and I couldn’t stop it. But I couldn’t lose her at the same time. I needed her.

I stared up at my ceiling as I kept remembering our relationship. A couple weeks after that fight she started being distant again. My mind, of course, starting jumping to the worst possible conclusion and I started another fight. That was the fight that she told me that she was in love with me. Those three words ended that fight faster than anything else could have. I felt my heart soar. Some of my past girlfriends have told me that they were in love with me, but it wasn’t the same coming from her. It made me feel good inside. I loved hearing her say it too. She didn’t want to even tell me in the first place. But I had to go off and start a fight. If I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have found out. I was jealous of her though. I wanted to experience love. I wanted to feel for her what she felt for me, more than anything. I wanted to fall in love with her. I wanted to so bad.

I got my wish. The weekend after she told me I went out of town with my family to a small town in Colorado to visit family. I wasn’t going to be able to get cell service, so we wouldn’t be able to talk until I got back. The first day was the worst. It was hell not being able to talk to her. Every time I had a free moment to myself she was what I was thinking about. Even when I was preoccupied with something, she was in the back of my mind. When I went to bed that night, it hit me. I was in love with her. I’ve never felt these feelings before. But I knew it was love. I’ve never thought about a girlfriend like this before. It’s never bothered me that I couldn’t talk to them. I loved her and I had to tell her. I got out of bed and went to look for my grandma’s house phone. I thought about waiting until I got back home to tell her. That idea sounded better after I looked at the clock and saw that it was three in the morning, meaning that it was one in the morning over in Vegas. She would probably be in bed. But I found myself dialing her number anyway. I just had to tell her now. I was kind of worried, she doesn’t normally answer to numbers she doesn’t know. My grandma’s number definitely falls under that category. I listened to it ringing, hoping that’d she would answer anyway. She answered on the fifth ring. “Hello?” she mumbled. “Hey baby. Did I wake you up?” “Yeah sort of, where are you calling me from?” “My grandma’s house, but listen, I realized something.” I told her urgently. I felt bad I woke her up, I almost considered letting her go back to sleep and just telling her when I got home. But then she said, “And what’s that? You discovered that you rather have a semi-country girl from Colorado than me?” with a yawn and right then I wished for nothing more than to be able to be laying down with her, holding her in my arms. “No, you crazy head, I-“ I started. My heart skipped beat and I lost my breath. I couldn’t believe I was actually about to tell a girl that I was in love with her. I never thought I’d see this day. “You what?” she asked, completely alert now. I heard the small fear in her voice. She thought I was about to leave her. “I love you,” I whispered. “Are you sure?” she asked, cautious. “I’m positive, dear. You have no idea what I’ve been going through today not being able to talk to you. It hit me just before I called you. I had to tell you.” I said and breathed. I felt my heart race and my breath become shorter and shorter. “I love you,” she finally said back. I sighed in relief, she had no idea how hearing that made me feel. “Go back to bed. I’ll see you when I come home.” “Alright, goodnight,” she said, already on the verge of falling back asleep. “Goodnight, baby,” I said and hung up the phone. I lay back in bed, falling asleep with the world’s biggest smile.

I rolled over on my bed. I felt my stomach clench, I missed her. I’m an idiot. I pushed her into ending it. This is all my fault. I had to fix it. I need her. I need to talk to her.