Lyric

I jolted straight up as I awoke from my nightmare. I felt my heart keep racing as I glanced around my surroundings to verify that yes; I was still in my room. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand, “12:36” it reads, with the little, ugly, red dot next to the “P.M.” lettering on the side to inform me that whatever time I was reading, it was definitely in the afternoon. I let out a huge sigh and I was slowly brought to reality. ‘It’s just a nightmare.’ I kept telling myself.

‘He’s still mine.’ I tell myself and I feel a smile creep onto my lips as I start looking for my phone. My eye catches a sliver of black peeking out from under my pillow. I reached under and find my phone, feeling hopeful. I pressed a button to bring up the screen, but it was empty. No text messages, no calls, no voicemail, nothing. I stared at the picture of him I had as my wallpaper and I felt my heart sink. I think back to last night and the fight. Did I really let him leave like that? I couldn’t have, he means too much to me. I’ve fought every other time, why would I have just let him go? I started racking my brain for my current options. Call him? No, that would show weakness. Leave him alone and face the reality of him actually being gone? No, I’m not strong enough for that. It’s a lose-lose situation either way I looked at it. Either I show him that I am in fact, human, and therefore prone to weakness, something I’ve been saying I’m not since the day we met. Or I actually let him go, never get over him and let myself be miserable for the rest of my life. That last part sounds over-dramatic, I tell myself. But I already know. I know that there is nobody else that could compare to him. There is no one that could ever make me feel the emotions he’s made me feel. If I lose him, I’ll never fall in love again.

I feel my phone vibrate, causing hope to start swimming through my body. I immediately pick it up check it. It’s my best friend, Andrew. I felt my heart sink lower than it originally was.

“Hello,” I said as I put my phone to my ear.

“Hey, are you okay?” Andrew asked in his concerned voice, which made me cringe. I
hate it when people feel concerned for me, it makes me feel weak.

“I’m fine,” I say, my voice short and stern. I was hoping Andrew would get the message that I didn’t feel like talking. I needed to think. I need to figure out what I was going to do. I couldn’t have him in my ear telling me what he thought.

“Alright, I was just checking. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Yeah, Okay, Bye.” I said and hit the end button on my phone to disconnect the call. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to calm myself down. I still felt my heart racing. I needed a clear mind. I did a couple of deep breaths to try and steady myself, I felt sick. I pulled my knees up to my chest, put my elbows on top of them and put my head in my hands. I felt something wet hit my thigh; I looked down and realized I was crying. I don’t like this feeling, I decided as I uncurled my body and lay on my side.

I knew exactly what my problem was, I love him. Ever since I met him I’ve found myself changing. Not changing in ways to fit in better with him, but changing what I believed and thought. Before I met him, I never believed in love. I thought it was crutch, an excuse for people to put up with somebody else’s bullshit that they normally wouldn’t have put up with. I thought it was an excuse to deal with somebody telling you what to do, who wasn’t your parent. I thought love was total bullshit. After watching my closest friends fall in love and then stood by as they got their heartbroken. “Love isn’t real.” I’d tell them. I was so sick of hearing those phrases, “I promise,” “Forever and ever,” and “Unconditional.” It was total bullshit. Promises get broken. Forever and ever has its end. Unconditional has its conditions. I was sick of watching my friends willingly put themselves in a position where one single person could literally destroy them from the inside. I was never going to do it. I have complete and total control over my emotions. That’s why my relationships never last. That and I couldn’t handle boy’s bullshit. Jealous boys? Not my thing. I grew up with four older brothers, sports-obsessed brothers, naturally I get along with boys better than girls. I was tough. Being the baby and the only girl of the family caused me to be prone to getting picked on, and if I wanted to be accepted by my brothers, I had to be able to talk about stuff they liked, and show no weakness. I grew up a tomboy. Clingy boys? Forget that too. I need my space; I need my girl time too. I don’t want to be smothered by a boy. I have four brothers and a best friend who are all up in my life. I don’t need another person who’s more than likely temporary in my life to be a part of that. I took a boy’s view to love and relationships, everything was temporary, and just for fun. Boys tried to break through everything and get close to me, but they couldn’t. I had complete control of where my emotions went. All that changed when I met him.