“I’m done!” I yelled. “I don’t want to deal with this anymore,” I added before storming out of the house.
I hated him. I was seriously done this time. I didn’t want to deal with any of this, this relationship stuff. It wasn’t for me. I wasn’t made for relationships. I’m just good at giving relationship advice. Who said I had to be in a relationship? They’re complete crap if you ask me. I mean, sure they were fun. The kissing, the holding hands, the cuddling, it was nice. But the fun could only last so long, eventually they wanted more and I wasn’t willing to give it to them. I don’t get attached. I don’t care. This is why my relationships rarely lasted beyond two months. Other than the fact that I also got bored.
I was out of his neighborhood now. My feet leading me to a place I didn’t know. If I was honest with myself I had no idea what I was doing. I was too far from my house to actually consider walking home. I didn’t want to go back and say “Hey, I hate you, we’re over but can you take me home?” I had too much pride for that. I was also too stubborn. He would gladly give me the ride home if I asked but the entire time I’d hear pleas about how we should be together. How we were right for each other. That he needed me. I know his argument. He wasn’t going to talk him way into getting me to stay this time.
I found myself in a park. The sun was almost completely set and there was a baseball game going on. I walked over to a field behind the diamond so I could observe. I smiled as I watched the kids, who were no older than nine, play. It made me miss when I played baseball with my brother on his little league team.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out without really thinking about it.
“Come back, please?” it was from him.
I turned my phone off and put it back in my pocket. I didn’t want to deal with him. I left for a reason. What made him think a simple text would get me to come back? I hoped he knew me better than that.
I lay on my back, staring at the now night sky. I was done. I was out. I was free. I couldn’t tell for sure if I was happy about this or not. I figured I just wasn’t used to it. I’ve never had a relationship last eleven months. I was a different experience for me. I wasn’t used to being free. I just need to readjust. I’d be better by tomorrow.
“Nicole,” a small voice said to my right.
I was up like a firecracker. I almost snapped my neck from how fast I turned it to look at him.
“What do you want?” I asked. My voice controlled in the sense that I wasn’t yelling and screaming at him.
“To make sure you were okay,” he said.
“I’m fine, obviously. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself,” I said, venomously.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what? Ending this? Because I want to!” I all but screamed at him. “I’m not a relationship person. I don’t do them and I don’t do well in them. I honestly have no idea how you managed to get me to stay in this for eleven months but I’m fricking done. I don’t want to deal with this relationship crap anymore.”
“This is all just crap to you? Does it matter that in those eleven months that you consider crap that you’ve turned me into a better person?” he asked, his voice was low.
“It matters. You don’t need me to be your girlfriend to stay that better person though. It’s not like once you lose me you go back to being the horrible person you thought you were.”
He was looking at the ground, refusing to meet my eye. This wasn’t good. I’m hurting him, something I’ve all but pinky promised I wouldn’t do.
“If that’s what you want. You want this?”
“Yes,” I said, my voice was barely above a whisper now.
I couldn’t believe it. He was going to actually let me go.
“You want me to walk away, get back in my truck, leave and never look back?”
The “yes” was right on the tip of my tongue. But everything changed. I pictured him leaving, without me, never to come back and my stomach clenched. My breathing got caught in my throat. My chest was tight. Whatever this feeling was, I didn’t like it.
“No,” I said before I even thought about it.
He looked up at me, his beautiful green eyes piercing my plain brown eyes.
“I want you to kiss me,” I said.
He didn’t even hesitate. In two steps he was in front of me, grabbing my face, pulling me into a kiss that almost knocked me off my feet.
I may not be a relationship person, but wherever I went, whatever I did, however I felt, it always led back to him.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Alexander
Posted in on 5:21 PM by Anonymous
Alex pulled into a parking spot, immediately scanning the field. He found what he was looking for sitting under the biggest tree. He quickly got out of his car and started walking over to her. He was going to make whatever it was right. He didn’t care what the cost at this point.
He was three feet away from her when he got a good look at her. She didn’t look like the girl he knew at all. When he thought of her an image of a tank soon followed. She was tough, strong, and able to withstand hurricanes. This wasn’t her. The girl he was looking at looked so worn down, beaten, broken, fragile.
She looked up when he was about a foot away. He could see tear streaks down her cheeks. Her big, brown eyes were shiny. She had been crying. She’s still crying. Alex’s heart sank. He had never seen her cry, ever. He never thought it was possible. Her crying didn’t exist, like the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
Her eyes were down, looking at her hands on the grass. Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“I lost something. I needed to find it,” Alex answered.
He sat down in front of her. It was taking all his self control to keep himself from throwing his arms around her, holding her to his chest, making promises to hurt everybody who did this to her. He knew better.
“What did you lose?” she asked.
“You,” Alex answered, readying himself for the next question. She asked more questions than a six year old. He would get his chance to ask his once she went though hers.
“I’m not your keys. You don’t just lose me.”
“You’re harder to find when you leave your phone at home.”
“I didn’t want to be found.”
“I figured that much on my own,” Alex said.
He could feel it coming. The moment where he was either going to find out what happened to her or where she was going to tell him to get the hell away from her if he knew what was good for him.
She wiped her eyes, finally looking up at him. Alex noticed she wasn’t wearing make-up, another thing that she never did. He could feel his anger rising with every new discovery. Whoever did this to her was going to pay. He didn’t care anymore. Nobody was going to get away with this. He was going to make this right.
“I’m a monster, you know,” she said, looking back down.
“Monsters aren’t beautiful. They’re skin is also green.”
“That’s what storybooks tell us.”
Alex sighed, moving a little bit closer to her. His self control wavering.
“You’re not a monster,” he said.
She just shrugged her shoulders. “How did you know I’d be here?”
“I didn’t. I was hoping,” Alex admitted. It was such a long shot when he thought about it. He didn’t expect her to be here. It was almost too obvious. If she didn’t want to be found he thought she would have picked a more secretive place. He almost didn’t come here at all. But then he remembered something she used to say, ‘Where do you hide something you don’t want to be found? In the most obvious place.’ That’s when his long shot became more of a most likely. He still thought he was lucky that he found her here. He wasn’t going to admit it though.
He watched her shoulders shake as more tears flooded her eyes. She kept her face down, hoping to hide the fact that she was crying.
She suddenly stood up, walking to the blue bike path. Alex jumped up, walking as fast as he could without running until he caught up with her. He didn’t care where she was going, he would follow her to the end of the world if he had to.
He was three feet away from her when he got a good look at her. She didn’t look like the girl he knew at all. When he thought of her an image of a tank soon followed. She was tough, strong, and able to withstand hurricanes. This wasn’t her. The girl he was looking at looked so worn down, beaten, broken, fragile.
She looked up when he was about a foot away. He could see tear streaks down her cheeks. Her big, brown eyes were shiny. She had been crying. She’s still crying. Alex’s heart sank. He had never seen her cry, ever. He never thought it was possible. Her crying didn’t exist, like the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
Her eyes were down, looking at her hands on the grass. Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“I lost something. I needed to find it,” Alex answered.
He sat down in front of her. It was taking all his self control to keep himself from throwing his arms around her, holding her to his chest, making promises to hurt everybody who did this to her. He knew better.
“What did you lose?” she asked.
“You,” Alex answered, readying himself for the next question. She asked more questions than a six year old. He would get his chance to ask his once she went though hers.
“I’m not your keys. You don’t just lose me.”
“You’re harder to find when you leave your phone at home.”
“I didn’t want to be found.”
“I figured that much on my own,” Alex said.
He could feel it coming. The moment where he was either going to find out what happened to her or where she was going to tell him to get the hell away from her if he knew what was good for him.
She wiped her eyes, finally looking up at him. Alex noticed she wasn’t wearing make-up, another thing that she never did. He could feel his anger rising with every new discovery. Whoever did this to her was going to pay. He didn’t care anymore. Nobody was going to get away with this. He was going to make this right.
“I’m a monster, you know,” she said, looking back down.
“Monsters aren’t beautiful. They’re skin is also green.”
“That’s what storybooks tell us.”
Alex sighed, moving a little bit closer to her. His self control wavering.
“You’re not a monster,” he said.
She just shrugged her shoulders. “How did you know I’d be here?”
“I didn’t. I was hoping,” Alex admitted. It was such a long shot when he thought about it. He didn’t expect her to be here. It was almost too obvious. If she didn’t want to be found he thought she would have picked a more secretive place. He almost didn’t come here at all. But then he remembered something she used to say, ‘Where do you hide something you don’t want to be found? In the most obvious place.’ That’s when his long shot became more of a most likely. He still thought he was lucky that he found her here. He wasn’t going to admit it though.
He watched her shoulders shake as more tears flooded her eyes. She kept her face down, hoping to hide the fact that she was crying.
She suddenly stood up, walking to the blue bike path. Alex jumped up, walking as fast as he could without running until he caught up with her. He didn’t care where she was going, he would follow her to the end of the world if he had to.
Women invented fire
Posted in on 2:56 AM by Anonymous
Author's Note: This has nothing to do with the Lyric story. Just something random I wrote. I felt like I needed to update this. Maybe this will be the start of a new story. Who knows.
“I’m not a complete idiot, you know,” I said as I got into the car. “I know I’m a girl and all, but I’m not stupid.”
“I don’t think girls are stupid. I’ve always thought it was you girls who invented fire,” he said, with a smile.
“Oh yeah?” I questioned.
“Yeah. Us men were totally content with cold food until you women came in and was like ‘Hey! Let’s change this up. We like hot food!’”
My smile grew bigger as I laughed. I looked over at the boy who was quickly stealing my heart. I was starting to think that I was falling for him before I was even ready to admit that I even liked him. Everything was easy with him. I didn’t have to worry about holding back my sarcastic, bitchy, smartass ways. He was able to handle anything I threw at him. I had spent 18 years carefully building a Great Wall of China with armed Samurais stationed at every two feet. Nobody was supposed to be able to get past that. At least, nobody was supposed to be able to until after years of hard work and effort on their part. He, on the other hand, has managed to take a Russia sized hole to my wall and walk right through it.
He started his car while I grabbed his iPod and plugged it into the cassette adapter.
“Now, about your birthday,” he started.
“No, no. We’re skipping it, please,” I pleaded.
I already knew it was no use before I even started, but I had to try.
“Nope, now that you’re with me you’re definitely not skipping it,” he insisted.
“I don’t want to get older,” I mumbled.
He glanced over at me, smiling, before setting his focus back on the road.
I sighed, realizing that no matter what I said I would still be doing something for my birthday. I wanted to slap myself. Since when did I give into anything I didn’t want? Since when did I give in period? Since when did I give into something my boyfriend wanted?
“I’m not a complete idiot, you know,” I said as I got into the car. “I know I’m a girl and all, but I’m not stupid.”
“I don’t think girls are stupid. I’ve always thought it was you girls who invented fire,” he said, with a smile.
“Oh yeah?” I questioned.
“Yeah. Us men were totally content with cold food until you women came in and was like ‘Hey! Let’s change this up. We like hot food!’”
My smile grew bigger as I laughed. I looked over at the boy who was quickly stealing my heart. I was starting to think that I was falling for him before I was even ready to admit that I even liked him. Everything was easy with him. I didn’t have to worry about holding back my sarcastic, bitchy, smartass ways. He was able to handle anything I threw at him. I had spent 18 years carefully building a Great Wall of China with armed Samurais stationed at every two feet. Nobody was supposed to be able to get past that. At least, nobody was supposed to be able to until after years of hard work and effort on their part. He, on the other hand, has managed to take a Russia sized hole to my wall and walk right through it.
He started his car while I grabbed his iPod and plugged it into the cassette adapter.
“Now, about your birthday,” he started.
“No, no. We’re skipping it, please,” I pleaded.
I already knew it was no use before I even started, but I had to try.
“Nope, now that you’re with me you’re definitely not skipping it,” he insisted.
“I don’t want to get older,” I mumbled.
He glanced over at me, smiling, before setting his focus back on the road.
I sighed, realizing that no matter what I said I would still be doing something for my birthday. I wanted to slap myself. Since when did I give into anything I didn’t want? Since when did I give in period? Since when did I give into something my boyfriend wanted?
Lyric: Memory
Posted in on 9:04 PM by Anonymous
Author's Note:
This is one of the fight scenes that Addison was remembering from his POV.
“Hey,” I said after I opened the front door and found him on my doorstep.
“Hey,” Addison said. He almost looked mad.
I held the door open wider, allowing him to enter. He walked under my arm, stopping two steps behind me. I closed the door and faced him.
I wanted to slap myself. He was going to notice that I was acting slightly different. He’s an observant person and notices everything on people he barely talks to. I could only imagine how quick he would notice with me. I still couldn’t figure out how I allowed any of this to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. I felt betrayed by my own emotions. Emotions that I could always control, at least, until now.
He pulled me into his arms. “Where is everybody?” he asked
“My dad is at the hospital. My mom had some sort of luncheon or something. Blair and Aidyn are in class. Colten went over to his friend’s house and I don’t know about Carson. I actually thought he was home,” I said.
“His car isn’t here,” he said.
“Oh,” I shrugged. “I wasn’t aware you and my brother were such good friends. Maybe I should call him and have him come home so you two could hang out,” I joked.
He let go of me and started walking to the couch.
“Hey, I was joking,” I said, following him.
I reached out, grabbed his hand, and pulled him to face me. “What’s wrong?”
He looked at me like I was speaking in Chinese.
“Nothing,” he mumbled.
I was about to ask again and push the subject, but he put his arms around me and pulled me into him. I looked up, searching his eyes for something to tell me what was wrong. I knew he was lying and was trying to keep it hidden from me. It wasn’t working though. I knew something was up.
“Really, wha-” I started to ask.
He leaned down and kissed me, gently, making my previous sentence disappear.
He pulled away and took a seat on the couch.
“I don’t think so,” I said, walking over and standing in front of him.
He looked like he was debating something. He looked up at me and I could see that something was really bugging him.
He pulled me into his lap and softly kissed my forehead.
“Don’t try the sweet gestures, just tell me what’s bugging you,” I said.
I knew what I was doing and I still wanted to slap myself. I was trying to get all the attention onto him in hopes that he wouldn’t notice me acting odd. I didn’t want him to bring it up because I knew I would tell him. I would tell him that my nightmares came true, that his nightmares came true. I was falling for him. I couldn’t tell him though even though we both knew it was going to happen. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to admit that I had lost control over my emotions and allowed this to happen.
“Why are you being so distant?”
“What? I’m not being distant,” I said.
“You are,” he insisted.
“How am I being distant?”
“You aren’t being yourself. You’re acting like how you act when you’re slightly mad at somebody but you don’t want them to know and you don’t want to make a big deal about it so you hide it and try to act normal except that it’s not actually you, and it’s not normal for you,” he answered.
“I’m fine, promise,” I said with a smile but even I knew it was fake.
“Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”
“No! Not at all, I’m fine,” I insisted.
“You’re lying. Why won’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing. Nothing is wrong.”
He brought his gaze down into his lap, like he was trying to focus on the blue color of his jeans. I knew better. He was trying to put the pieces together. He was going to figure it out. He brought his eyes back up to mine and I took a deep breath in, ready for what was going to happen next.
“Are you cheating on me?” he asked.
“What?!" I said, exhaling. That definitely wasn't what I was expecting. "No, of course not,” I said, my anger rising at the accusation.
“If there’s somebody else, just tell me.”
“There isn’t,” I said, my voice starting to rise.
How the hell could he think I was cheating on him? That’s the absolute last thing I would do to him, to anybody for that matter. I got off his lap and walked about a foot in front of him before I turned around.
“How could you think I could cheat on you?” I all but yelled.
“What am I supposed to think? You’re being distant. You won’t tell me what’s wrong,” he rambled.
“You could think that maybe you’re wrong and that you’re imagining me being distant. You could think that maybe nothing is wrong and I’m fine!” I yelled.
He got up from the couch and took a couple steps toward me. I backed up; I didn’t want him closer to me than he already was. I was furious.
“Is there somebody else?” he asked.
“NO!” I yelled. “Damn it, there’s nobody else, just you,” I said with a slightly calmer voice.
Realization did a little dance in front of me while it waited for me to accept that I needed to tell him.
“I’m falling in love with you,” I said to the ground.
He was quiet, his breathing erratic and heavy.
I stayed staring at the ground, waiting for him to make the next move.
“No, you can’t be,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“I am,” I confirmed.
I looked up and met his eyes, allowing him to see the truth in my words.
“I can’t, you can’t, no, this can’t happen,” he said.
I stood there in silence. I knew he wasn’t going to like the fact that I was falling in love with him. I didn’t like how this was going though. I was only somewhat okay with telling him because of the promise he made. The promise he made months ago, after we realized that there was the possibility that I might fall in love with him. I was clinging onto that promise like a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
The promise that he wouldn’t leave me if I started falling in love with him, that he would be the best boyfriend he could possibly be.
“I can’t do this,” he said.
“You’re leaving me?” I asked, a mix of emotions running through my body, the most prominent being anger.
“I can’t let this happen.”
“What happened to ‘I promise not to leave you when you start to fall in love with me’?” I asked.
“I didn’t think it would actually happen,” he said.
“So since it did happen you can just break the promise because you didn’t really mean it in the first place?”
“I did mean it. I just- Lyric, I’ll just hurt you.”
“So get it done now, right? Leave me now while it hurts just not as bad.”
“Its better this way,” he reasoned.
“Yeah, miserable is definitely better than happiness,” I said sarcastically.
“It’s better than breaking your heart.”
“So let’s just crack it, it still hurts but not as bad.”
“Lyric, I can’t love you back. I can’t lie to you and even try to pretend I can.”
“You don’t think I know that? You said you never wanted to hurt me. Do you know what you’re doing now?” I asked.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t be able to fall in love with you. You deserve somebody who can love you back.”
“I want you though. I thought I made you happy. What happened to ‘I wouldn’t trade you for the world.’? And, ‘You’re perfect for me.’?” I said. “What happened to ‘I never want to lose you.’? And ‘I’m absolutely crazy about you.’?”
“You deserve better,” he argued.
“Don’t give me the ‘you deserve better’ crap,” I said, keeping my voice level. “Fine," I said, switching up my game. "Tell me this is what you want. Tell me that you really want this to be over. Tell me you want to leave me. Tell me that you want more than anything to walk away. Tell me that and I’ll accept it and let you go.”
He stood there, staring at the ground.
“Lie to me,” I said.
He looked up at me and shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t leave you,” he said, walking over to me.
He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly against him.
I pulled away after a moment, looking up into his eyes. I felt slightly doubtful. This was the second time he tried to end our relationship and I had to argue my way into keeping him. I was afraid it would happen again.
He saw the doubt in my eyes. He put his forehead against mine.
“I’m not leaving you,” he promised, grabbing my face with his hands.
And then he leaned in and kissed me, a kiss that almost sent me crashing to my knees.
This is one of the fight scenes that Addison was remembering from his POV.
“Hey,” I said after I opened the front door and found him on my doorstep.
“Hey,” Addison said. He almost looked mad.
I held the door open wider, allowing him to enter. He walked under my arm, stopping two steps behind me. I closed the door and faced him.
I wanted to slap myself. He was going to notice that I was acting slightly different. He’s an observant person and notices everything on people he barely talks to. I could only imagine how quick he would notice with me. I still couldn’t figure out how I allowed any of this to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. I felt betrayed by my own emotions. Emotions that I could always control, at least, until now.
He pulled me into his arms. “Where is everybody?” he asked
“My dad is at the hospital. My mom had some sort of luncheon or something. Blair and Aidyn are in class. Colten went over to his friend’s house and I don’t know about Carson. I actually thought he was home,” I said.
“His car isn’t here,” he said.
“Oh,” I shrugged. “I wasn’t aware you and my brother were such good friends. Maybe I should call him and have him come home so you two could hang out,” I joked.
He let go of me and started walking to the couch.
“Hey, I was joking,” I said, following him.
I reached out, grabbed his hand, and pulled him to face me. “What’s wrong?”
He looked at me like I was speaking in Chinese.
“Nothing,” he mumbled.
I was about to ask again and push the subject, but he put his arms around me and pulled me into him. I looked up, searching his eyes for something to tell me what was wrong. I knew he was lying and was trying to keep it hidden from me. It wasn’t working though. I knew something was up.
“Really, wha-” I started to ask.
He leaned down and kissed me, gently, making my previous sentence disappear.
He pulled away and took a seat on the couch.
“I don’t think so,” I said, walking over and standing in front of him.
He looked like he was debating something. He looked up at me and I could see that something was really bugging him.
He pulled me into his lap and softly kissed my forehead.
“Don’t try the sweet gestures, just tell me what’s bugging you,” I said.
I knew what I was doing and I still wanted to slap myself. I was trying to get all the attention onto him in hopes that he wouldn’t notice me acting odd. I didn’t want him to bring it up because I knew I would tell him. I would tell him that my nightmares came true, that his nightmares came true. I was falling for him. I couldn’t tell him though even though we both knew it was going to happen. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to admit that I had lost control over my emotions and allowed this to happen.
“Why are you being so distant?”
“What? I’m not being distant,” I said.
“You are,” he insisted.
“How am I being distant?”
“You aren’t being yourself. You’re acting like how you act when you’re slightly mad at somebody but you don’t want them to know and you don’t want to make a big deal about it so you hide it and try to act normal except that it’s not actually you, and it’s not normal for you,” he answered.
“I’m fine, promise,” I said with a smile but even I knew it was fake.
“Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”
“No! Not at all, I’m fine,” I insisted.
“You’re lying. Why won’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing. Nothing is wrong.”
He brought his gaze down into his lap, like he was trying to focus on the blue color of his jeans. I knew better. He was trying to put the pieces together. He was going to figure it out. He brought his eyes back up to mine and I took a deep breath in, ready for what was going to happen next.
“Are you cheating on me?” he asked.
“What?!" I said, exhaling. That definitely wasn't what I was expecting. "No, of course not,” I said, my anger rising at the accusation.
“If there’s somebody else, just tell me.”
“There isn’t,” I said, my voice starting to rise.
How the hell could he think I was cheating on him? That’s the absolute last thing I would do to him, to anybody for that matter. I got off his lap and walked about a foot in front of him before I turned around.
“How could you think I could cheat on you?” I all but yelled.
“What am I supposed to think? You’re being distant. You won’t tell me what’s wrong,” he rambled.
“You could think that maybe you’re wrong and that you’re imagining me being distant. You could think that maybe nothing is wrong and I’m fine!” I yelled.
He got up from the couch and took a couple steps toward me. I backed up; I didn’t want him closer to me than he already was. I was furious.
“Is there somebody else?” he asked.
“NO!” I yelled. “Damn it, there’s nobody else, just you,” I said with a slightly calmer voice.
Realization did a little dance in front of me while it waited for me to accept that I needed to tell him.
“I’m falling in love with you,” I said to the ground.
He was quiet, his breathing erratic and heavy.
I stayed staring at the ground, waiting for him to make the next move.
“No, you can’t be,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“I am,” I confirmed.
I looked up and met his eyes, allowing him to see the truth in my words.
“I can’t, you can’t, no, this can’t happen,” he said.
I stood there in silence. I knew he wasn’t going to like the fact that I was falling in love with him. I didn’t like how this was going though. I was only somewhat okay with telling him because of the promise he made. The promise he made months ago, after we realized that there was the possibility that I might fall in love with him. I was clinging onto that promise like a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
The promise that he wouldn’t leave me if I started falling in love with him, that he would be the best boyfriend he could possibly be.
“I can’t do this,” he said.
“You’re leaving me?” I asked, a mix of emotions running through my body, the most prominent being anger.
“I can’t let this happen.”
“What happened to ‘I promise not to leave you when you start to fall in love with me’?” I asked.
“I didn’t think it would actually happen,” he said.
“So since it did happen you can just break the promise because you didn’t really mean it in the first place?”
“I did mean it. I just- Lyric, I’ll just hurt you.”
“So get it done now, right? Leave me now while it hurts just not as bad.”
“Its better this way,” he reasoned.
“Yeah, miserable is definitely better than happiness,” I said sarcastically.
“It’s better than breaking your heart.”
“So let’s just crack it, it still hurts but not as bad.”
“Lyric, I can’t love you back. I can’t lie to you and even try to pretend I can.”
“You don’t think I know that? You said you never wanted to hurt me. Do you know what you’re doing now?” I asked.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t be able to fall in love with you. You deserve somebody who can love you back.”
“I want you though. I thought I made you happy. What happened to ‘I wouldn’t trade you for the world.’? And, ‘You’re perfect for me.’?” I said. “What happened to ‘I never want to lose you.’? And ‘I’m absolutely crazy about you.’?”
“You deserve better,” he argued.
“Don’t give me the ‘you deserve better’ crap,” I said, keeping my voice level. “Fine," I said, switching up my game. "Tell me this is what you want. Tell me that you really want this to be over. Tell me you want to leave me. Tell me that you want more than anything to walk away. Tell me that and I’ll accept it and let you go.”
He stood there, staring at the ground.
“Lie to me,” I said.
He looked up at me and shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t leave you,” he said, walking over to me.
He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly against him.
I pulled away after a moment, looking up into his eyes. I felt slightly doubtful. This was the second time he tried to end our relationship and I had to argue my way into keeping him. I was afraid it would happen again.
He saw the doubt in my eyes. He put his forehead against mine.
“I’m not leaving you,” he promised, grabbing my face with his hands.
And then he leaned in and kissed me, a kiss that almost sent me crashing to my knees.
Lyric: Seven
Posted in on 12:21 PM by Anonymous
The spot is this spot in an open field at the park by the school. It’s where he asked me to be his girlfriend. I saw his car when I pulled into the parking lot. ‘Okay,’ I tell myself. ‘Whatever you do, don’t cry.’
I walked up to where he was standing, stopping about six feet away from him. I was afraid to get any closer. I didn’t want to impulsively do something I’d regret, like touch him.
He glanced up at me. “Hey,” he said.
I immediately looked down at my shoes. I felt my stomach clench and my heart drop. That one second glance from him made me weak. “Hi,” I whispered.
“Can you look at me?” He asked as he took a step forward.
“Why?” I snapped as I looked up at him. I met his eyes and my knees almost gave out. I caught my balance, never losing his stare. I realized I was pissed. I was pissed for his stupidity that made the past three days hell for me. I was pissed because he never called me. I was pissed because it seemed like it was so easy for him to give up and let this go. Let us go. I know why I hadn’t called him. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. I wanted him to come to me. Now that I had gotten what I wanted it was his move. The ball was in his court.
“I don’t know,” he said.
I just stood there. I still had no idea what to say. I wanted to ask why he made me meet him. But I was afraid of that answer. I was afraid if I asked he would just say forget it and leave. If it was really going to be over with us I wanted this moment to last as long as possible. It was going to be the last one I got.
“Why did you do it?” he finally asked.
“You doubted me.”
“So you just end it?”
“You think that’s what I wanted?” I snapped.
“You said it,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“Doesn’t mean I meant it,” I said.
“Then why did you say it?”
“I told you, you doubted me. You made me feel weak. I only said it to prove you wrong. I wanted to be right.”
“You got what you wanted,” he whispered as he looked down.
“Yeah, breaking my own heart is exactly what I wanted,” I said sarcastically.
“Then what do you want?”
“What do you think?” I asked, dropping my voice a little bit. I couldn’t figure out what he was being so dense. He knew exactly what I wanted. Why else would I have come to meet him? If I really wanted this to be over I would have told him to kiss my ass and ignored him. Just like I have with every other guy still hung up over me after a break up. With him though, I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t even mean it when I said it was over. I was just trying to not feel weak.
“I need to hear you say it.”
“I want you, you idiot.”
He laughed. “I didn’t think you would actually do it.”
“Of course you didn’t. That’s why I did it. Doubt, it motivates me. I like being right, you know that. When somebody doubts me I want to prove them wrong. I didn’t mean it though.”
“So the past three days have been a nightmare for me all because I was being stupid?”
“Pretty much,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said finally looking me in the eyes again.
He took another step forward. I felt my leg go to take a step forward but I stopped it. I felt fear creep up my body. I didn’t want to make a mistake. I still felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I kept his stare. He kept taking small steps forward. I stayed planted in my spot. I was almost too afraid to even move. He stopped when he was about three inches away from me. I took a deep breath. The scent of his cologne filled my nose. I smiled. I wanted to take that step, that step that would put me in his arms and put my body against his. But I was afraid. I was afraid he would break my heart again. I was afraid he would walk away if I took that step.
But I didn’t have to. He took the last step and put his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. I felt my eyes start to water. But I kept it in. I put my arms around him, hugging him back.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.
And I felt my heart reassemble itself, becoming whole again.
I walked up to where he was standing, stopping about six feet away from him. I was afraid to get any closer. I didn’t want to impulsively do something I’d regret, like touch him.
He glanced up at me. “Hey,” he said.
I immediately looked down at my shoes. I felt my stomach clench and my heart drop. That one second glance from him made me weak. “Hi,” I whispered.
“Can you look at me?” He asked as he took a step forward.
“Why?” I snapped as I looked up at him. I met his eyes and my knees almost gave out. I caught my balance, never losing his stare. I realized I was pissed. I was pissed for his stupidity that made the past three days hell for me. I was pissed because he never called me. I was pissed because it seemed like it was so easy for him to give up and let this go. Let us go. I know why I hadn’t called him. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. I wanted him to come to me. Now that I had gotten what I wanted it was his move. The ball was in his court.
“I don’t know,” he said.
I just stood there. I still had no idea what to say. I wanted to ask why he made me meet him. But I was afraid of that answer. I was afraid if I asked he would just say forget it and leave. If it was really going to be over with us I wanted this moment to last as long as possible. It was going to be the last one I got.
“Why did you do it?” he finally asked.
“You doubted me.”
“So you just end it?”
“You think that’s what I wanted?” I snapped.
“You said it,” he said. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“Doesn’t mean I meant it,” I said.
“Then why did you say it?”
“I told you, you doubted me. You made me feel weak. I only said it to prove you wrong. I wanted to be right.”
“You got what you wanted,” he whispered as he looked down.
“Yeah, breaking my own heart is exactly what I wanted,” I said sarcastically.
“Then what do you want?”
“What do you think?” I asked, dropping my voice a little bit. I couldn’t figure out what he was being so dense. He knew exactly what I wanted. Why else would I have come to meet him? If I really wanted this to be over I would have told him to kiss my ass and ignored him. Just like I have with every other guy still hung up over me after a break up. With him though, I didn’t want this to end. I didn’t even mean it when I said it was over. I was just trying to not feel weak.
“I need to hear you say it.”
“I want you, you idiot.”
He laughed. “I didn’t think you would actually do it.”
“Of course you didn’t. That’s why I did it. Doubt, it motivates me. I like being right, you know that. When somebody doubts me I want to prove them wrong. I didn’t mean it though.”
“So the past three days have been a nightmare for me all because I was being stupid?”
“Pretty much,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said finally looking me in the eyes again.
He took another step forward. I felt my leg go to take a step forward but I stopped it. I felt fear creep up my body. I didn’t want to make a mistake. I still felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I kept his stare. He kept taking small steps forward. I stayed planted in my spot. I was almost too afraid to even move. He stopped when he was about three inches away from me. I took a deep breath. The scent of his cologne filled my nose. I smiled. I wanted to take that step, that step that would put me in his arms and put my body against his. But I was afraid. I was afraid he would break my heart again. I was afraid he would walk away if I took that step.
But I didn’t have to. He took the last step and put his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. I felt my eyes start to water. But I kept it in. I put my arms around him, hugging him back.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.
And I felt my heart reassemble itself, becoming whole again.
Lyric: Six
Posted in on 12:18 PM by Anonymous
“I love you.”
I watched as his lips curled up into a smile before he leaned in and gently kissed my lips. “I love you,” he whispered. I felt my heart fly. I will never get used to him say that. I still couldn’t figure out how I got him to fall for me in the first place. I felt his arms tighten around my waist as he pulled me in closer. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered. I glanced up and found him already looking at me. I lost my train of thought for the split second that my eyes met his. I had no idea what to say so I just smiled.
“Tu es muy guapo,” I said to his chest. I felt his body cave in a little as he laughed.
“And you said you were horrible at Spanish.”
“I am! I can only put together simple sentences. As long as they don’t require verbs,” I argued. I felt him laugh again and smiled. His laugh was contagious to me.
It could always make me smile, guaranteed. It was kind of bad when we argued. He thought it was cute when I was mad. He would end up slightly laughing and I would end up smiling, which would manage to squash out any anger I had. It’s hard to be mad when you’re smiling. It worked in his favor, most of the time.
“Whatever you say, dear,” he mumbled.
I leaned in and kissed his neck. I heard him sigh in pleasure as he somehow managed to pull me in tighter against his body. He kissed my forehead and rolled us over so that I was lying on my back and he was on top of me. I looked up at him and felt a smile creep across my lips. He traced his index finger across my jaw line. I reached up and placed my hands on both sides of his face. I knew where he wanted this to go. I also knew that he knew that I wouldn’t let it get even close to that. For some reason though, I was thinking about changing my mind. Break the rules I’ve set up. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I have those rules for a reason. But then again, a lot of the ‘rules’ I’ve had have been broken ever since I met him. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love either.
“Don’t worry, I know,” he said. “I just want to keep this image of you in my mind.”
“What image?”
“The image of you being in my arms; I kind of like it.”
“Why’s that?” I asked, curious.
“I have the girl I love in my arms, with me. What’s not to like?”
I felt another smile come across my lips. He’s rarely sweet, but when he was it was enough to knock King Kong off his feet. I pulled his face down and kissed him, hard, trying to put every emotion I was currently feeling into that one kiss.
He pulled away. “Baby,” he smiled.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing,” he said as he got back onto his side and pulled me into his chest.
“I don’t think so. Tell me,” I pushed, leaning in to kiss his neck again. His weak spot, I could win this.
“Hmmmm, no,” he whispered.
I kissed his neck again, “Please?”
I felt him tighten his arms around my back, pulling me in closer. I kept kissing his neck. “Baby,” I whispered.
“Ugh. Alright, you win,” he groaned. In one swift motion he grabbed my leg and pulled us around so that he was on his back and I was sitting on top of him.
I looked at him meeting his eyes, waiting for him to tell me.
“I was just thinking.”
“Go figure. About?”
“You,” he said with a smile.
“What about me?”
“Just you, how you are,” he said looking straight into my eyes.
“How I am?”
“How you’re perfect for me,” he whispered. He didn’t look away.
I slid my hands up his chest, leaning in as I did so I was putting my face centimeters from his. “Oh yeah,” I whispered.
“You have no idea.”
I kissed him. “Give me one,” I said.
“You could kiss me again, that’s an idea.”
I did. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I know. I just wanted another kiss.”
“Now that you’ve gotten one, start explaining,” I said. Then I thought about it for a second. “Wait,” I stopped him.
“What?”
“Tell me why you love me,” I whispered. I wasn’t even looking in his eyes anymore. I was looking at the dimple in his cheek.
“Is that seriously a question?”
“No, I asked it because I wanted to compare notes with your exes to see if you’re telling me the same bullshit,” I said sarcastically.
“You wouldn’t get very far. I’ve never told any of them that I loved them.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve never loved anybody before I met you. You’re the first, and only; most likely the last as well.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I told you, you’re perfect for me. I love you. Why would I want to fall in love with anybody else?”
“Why do you love me in the first place?”
“You’re intelligent. You’re stubborn and sarcastic. You’re argumentative. You’re funny, independent. You can handle me, you can deal with me. You keep me in line. You’re amazing. Oh, and you’re extremely gorgeous.”
I had no idea what to say to any of that. I finally brought my gaze to his eyes. His look confirmed everything he just said. “Does that answer your question?” he asked.
I nodded. I leaned back down to kiss him, gently. I started to pull away when he grabbed my face and pulled me back in, kissing me urgently, as if he was trying to prove everything he just said, in case I had any doubt. I let myself get lost in his touch, taste, and the moment.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket drawing me out of my memory and bringing me back into the real world. My government class to be exact. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check it. I stared at the screen in disbelief. It was from him: “Meet me at the spot? After class.”
I watched as his lips curled up into a smile before he leaned in and gently kissed my lips. “I love you,” he whispered. I felt my heart fly. I will never get used to him say that. I still couldn’t figure out how I got him to fall for me in the first place. I felt his arms tighten around my waist as he pulled me in closer. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered. I glanced up and found him already looking at me. I lost my train of thought for the split second that my eyes met his. I had no idea what to say so I just smiled.
“Tu es muy guapo,” I said to his chest. I felt his body cave in a little as he laughed.
“And you said you were horrible at Spanish.”
“I am! I can only put together simple sentences. As long as they don’t require verbs,” I argued. I felt him laugh again and smiled. His laugh was contagious to me.
It could always make me smile, guaranteed. It was kind of bad when we argued. He thought it was cute when I was mad. He would end up slightly laughing and I would end up smiling, which would manage to squash out any anger I had. It’s hard to be mad when you’re smiling. It worked in his favor, most of the time.
“Whatever you say, dear,” he mumbled.
I leaned in and kissed his neck. I heard him sigh in pleasure as he somehow managed to pull me in tighter against his body. He kissed my forehead and rolled us over so that I was lying on my back and he was on top of me. I looked up at him and felt a smile creep across my lips. He traced his index finger across my jaw line. I reached up and placed my hands on both sides of his face. I knew where he wanted this to go. I also knew that he knew that I wouldn’t let it get even close to that. For some reason though, I was thinking about changing my mind. Break the rules I’ve set up. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I have those rules for a reason. But then again, a lot of the ‘rules’ I’ve had have been broken ever since I met him. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love either.
“Don’t worry, I know,” he said. “I just want to keep this image of you in my mind.”
“What image?”
“The image of you being in my arms; I kind of like it.”
“Why’s that?” I asked, curious.
“I have the girl I love in my arms, with me. What’s not to like?”
I felt another smile come across my lips. He’s rarely sweet, but when he was it was enough to knock King Kong off his feet. I pulled his face down and kissed him, hard, trying to put every emotion I was currently feeling into that one kiss.
He pulled away. “Baby,” he smiled.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing,” he said as he got back onto his side and pulled me into his chest.
“I don’t think so. Tell me,” I pushed, leaning in to kiss his neck again. His weak spot, I could win this.
“Hmmmm, no,” he whispered.
I kissed his neck again, “Please?”
I felt him tighten his arms around my back, pulling me in closer. I kept kissing his neck. “Baby,” I whispered.
“Ugh. Alright, you win,” he groaned. In one swift motion he grabbed my leg and pulled us around so that he was on his back and I was sitting on top of him.
I looked at him meeting his eyes, waiting for him to tell me.
“I was just thinking.”
“Go figure. About?”
“You,” he said with a smile.
“What about me?”
“Just you, how you are,” he said looking straight into my eyes.
“How I am?”
“How you’re perfect for me,” he whispered. He didn’t look away.
I slid my hands up his chest, leaning in as I did so I was putting my face centimeters from his. “Oh yeah,” I whispered.
“You have no idea.”
I kissed him. “Give me one,” I said.
“You could kiss me again, that’s an idea.”
I did. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I know. I just wanted another kiss.”
“Now that you’ve gotten one, start explaining,” I said. Then I thought about it for a second. “Wait,” I stopped him.
“What?”
“Tell me why you love me,” I whispered. I wasn’t even looking in his eyes anymore. I was looking at the dimple in his cheek.
“Is that seriously a question?”
“No, I asked it because I wanted to compare notes with your exes to see if you’re telling me the same bullshit,” I said sarcastically.
“You wouldn’t get very far. I’ve never told any of them that I loved them.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve never loved anybody before I met you. You’re the first, and only; most likely the last as well.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I told you, you’re perfect for me. I love you. Why would I want to fall in love with anybody else?”
“Why do you love me in the first place?”
“You’re intelligent. You’re stubborn and sarcastic. You’re argumentative. You’re funny, independent. You can handle me, you can deal with me. You keep me in line. You’re amazing. Oh, and you’re extremely gorgeous.”
I had no idea what to say to any of that. I finally brought my gaze to his eyes. His look confirmed everything he just said. “Does that answer your question?” he asked.
I nodded. I leaned back down to kiss him, gently. I started to pull away when he grabbed my face and pulled me back in, kissing me urgently, as if he was trying to prove everything he just said, in case I had any doubt. I let myself get lost in his touch, taste, and the moment.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket drawing me out of my memory and bringing me back into the real world. My government class to be exact. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check it. I stared at the screen in disbelief. It was from him: “Meet me at the spot? After class.”
Addison.
Posted in on 12:17 PM by Anonymous
I hated her. At least, I wish I could hate her. If I could hate her my life would be a whole lot easier.
I still had no idea how she did it. I never believed in love. I never thought I had the ability to love. I’ve gone through eighteen years of my life never loving a single person. I don’t even love my family. I don’t care about people for that matter either. I care for three people in the world, and I planned on keeping it that way. I’m extremely pessimistic, manipulative, and intelligent. I know exactly what lies to tell a girl to get whatever I wanted from her, and the best part, I could make it one hundred percent believable. I was the living definition of an asshole. I was a girl’s worst nightmare.
Then I met her. I never thought this would go very far. She had a good girl reputation. Everybody knew who she was because her older brothers were legends. She had morals, self-respect, and dignity. She was everything people expected of her. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, and could play almost any sport. She was brutally honest and didn’t take crap from anybody. She wasn’t big on relationships, and didn’t stay in one for long. She was the perfect candidate for me. I loved a challenge. I wanted to see if I could manipulate her, change her. She was also a virgin, claiming to be waiting until she got married. I wanted to change that too. I already had a plan in mind. I thought I knew exactly what it would take to break her.
I didn’t deserve her. Even though she thinks the complete opposite, I know I didn’t. She was the literal definition of amazing. She really had no idea the effect she had on me. She came in and changed every view of love, life, and myself that I ever had. I don’t even know how. When I was with her it felt right, perfect even. Her smile was the killer. Her smile could almost send me crashing to the ground. When she smiled it was like the entire world lit up. She made me experience happiness, a feeling I’ve never had my entire life. I’ve always been content, never happy.
I hated myself. I should have never let this get this far. A few months into our relationship and we realized she was probably going to fall for me. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have her fall in love with me. I was just going to hurt her in the end. I knew I would. But I couldn’t lose her. The thought alone made me feel empty inside. I knew it would kill me to lose her. So I made her a promise, a promise I probably should have never made. But I didn’t want to lose her. I promised her that when she fell in love with me I would be the best boyfriend I could possibly be. I promised her I wouldn’t leave her when she did. That was her biggest fear. She was afraid that I would leave her when she fell in love with me.
I almost broke that promise. She was acting distant and I couldn’t take it. I kept thinking she was cheating on me. Deep inside, I knew she wasn’t that type of person, but my mind always jumped to the worst conclusions. So I asked her about it. It led to a fight, because she said she didn’t know how she was being distant. I asked if there was somebody else. I had been thinking about it for some time and if she wanted to be with somebody else, I would let her go. I just wanted her to be happy. The fight got worse and I was about to end it. I couldn’t take the hurt, the pain I was experiencing. I’ve never felt this before and I didn’t like it. I wanted it to end. Right before I could tell her it was over she told me. She told me exactly what was happening in my nightmares. She was falling for me. I tried to end it then. I couldn’t let her fall for me. It was killing me to let her go but I had to do it. It would be better for both of us, even if she couldn’t see it. She fought me. She brought up every promise I made and everything I’ve told her about how I feel about her. She wasn’t letting me go without a fight. With every new point I found it harder and harder to stop talking to her, and end it. Then she said “tell me this is what you want, tell me that you want this to be over. I’ll accept it and leave you alone.” I didn’t say anything. She knew I didn’t want this to be over. I wanted her and this relationship. “Lie to me,” she had said. I couldn’t lie to her. Even if it was for the better, I just couldn’t. “I can’t. I can’t leave you.” I told her and pulled her into my arms. She was going to fall in love with me, and I couldn’t stop it. But I couldn’t lose her at the same time. I needed her.
I stared up at my ceiling as I kept remembering our relationship. A couple weeks after that fight she started being distant again. My mind, of course, starting jumping to the worst possible conclusion and I started another fight. That was the fight that she told me that she was in love with me. Those three words ended that fight faster than anything else could have. I felt my heart soar. Some of my past girlfriends have told me that they were in love with me, but it wasn’t the same coming from her. It made me feel good inside. I loved hearing her say it too. She didn’t want to even tell me in the first place. But I had to go off and start a fight. If I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have found out. I was jealous of her though. I wanted to experience love. I wanted to feel for her what she felt for me, more than anything. I wanted to fall in love with her. I wanted to so bad.
I got my wish. The weekend after she told me I went out of town with my family to a small town in Colorado to visit family. I wasn’t going to be able to get cell service, so we wouldn’t be able to talk until I got back. The first day was the worst. It was hell not being able to talk to her. Every time I had a free moment to myself she was what I was thinking about. Even when I was preoccupied with something, she was in the back of my mind. When I went to bed that night, it hit me. I was in love with her. I’ve never felt these feelings before. But I knew it was love. I’ve never thought about a girlfriend like this before. It’s never bothered me that I couldn’t talk to them. I loved her and I had to tell her. I got out of bed and went to look for my grandma’s house phone. I thought about waiting until I got back home to tell her. That idea sounded better after I looked at the clock and saw that it was three in the morning, meaning that it was one in the morning over in Vegas. She would probably be in bed. But I found myself dialing her number anyway. I just had to tell her now. I was kind of worried, she doesn’t normally answer to numbers she doesn’t know. My grandma’s number definitely falls under that category. I listened to it ringing, hoping that’d she would answer anyway. She answered on the fifth ring. “Hello?” she mumbled. “Hey baby. Did I wake you up?” “Yeah sort of, where are you calling me from?” “My grandma’s house, but listen, I realized something.” I told her urgently. I felt bad I woke her up, I almost considered letting her go back to sleep and just telling her when I got home. But then she said, “And what’s that? You discovered that you rather have a semi-country girl from Colorado than me?” with a yawn and right then I wished for nothing more than to be able to be laying down with her, holding her in my arms. “No, you crazy head, I-“ I started. My heart skipped beat and I lost my breath. I couldn’t believe I was actually about to tell a girl that I was in love with her. I never thought I’d see this day. “You what?” she asked, completely alert now. I heard the small fear in her voice. She thought I was about to leave her. “I love you,” I whispered. “Are you sure?” she asked, cautious. “I’m positive, dear. You have no idea what I’ve been going through today not being able to talk to you. It hit me just before I called you. I had to tell you.” I said and breathed. I felt my heart race and my breath become shorter and shorter. “I love you,” she finally said back. I sighed in relief, she had no idea how hearing that made me feel. “Go back to bed. I’ll see you when I come home.” “Alright, goodnight,” she said, already on the verge of falling back asleep. “Goodnight, baby,” I said and hung up the phone. I lay back in bed, falling asleep with the world’s biggest smile.
I rolled over on my bed. I felt my stomach clench, I missed her. I’m an idiot. I pushed her into ending it. This is all my fault. I had to fix it. I need her. I need to talk to her.
I still had no idea how she did it. I never believed in love. I never thought I had the ability to love. I’ve gone through eighteen years of my life never loving a single person. I don’t even love my family. I don’t care about people for that matter either. I care for three people in the world, and I planned on keeping it that way. I’m extremely pessimistic, manipulative, and intelligent. I know exactly what lies to tell a girl to get whatever I wanted from her, and the best part, I could make it one hundred percent believable. I was the living definition of an asshole. I was a girl’s worst nightmare.
Then I met her. I never thought this would go very far. She had a good girl reputation. Everybody knew who she was because her older brothers were legends. She had morals, self-respect, and dignity. She was everything people expected of her. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, and could play almost any sport. She was brutally honest and didn’t take crap from anybody. She wasn’t big on relationships, and didn’t stay in one for long. She was the perfect candidate for me. I loved a challenge. I wanted to see if I could manipulate her, change her. She was also a virgin, claiming to be waiting until she got married. I wanted to change that too. I already had a plan in mind. I thought I knew exactly what it would take to break her.
I didn’t deserve her. Even though she thinks the complete opposite, I know I didn’t. She was the literal definition of amazing. She really had no idea the effect she had on me. She came in and changed every view of love, life, and myself that I ever had. I don’t even know how. When I was with her it felt right, perfect even. Her smile was the killer. Her smile could almost send me crashing to the ground. When she smiled it was like the entire world lit up. She made me experience happiness, a feeling I’ve never had my entire life. I’ve always been content, never happy.
I hated myself. I should have never let this get this far. A few months into our relationship and we realized she was probably going to fall for me. I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have her fall in love with me. I was just going to hurt her in the end. I knew I would. But I couldn’t lose her. The thought alone made me feel empty inside. I knew it would kill me to lose her. So I made her a promise, a promise I probably should have never made. But I didn’t want to lose her. I promised her that when she fell in love with me I would be the best boyfriend I could possibly be. I promised her I wouldn’t leave her when she did. That was her biggest fear. She was afraid that I would leave her when she fell in love with me.
I almost broke that promise. She was acting distant and I couldn’t take it. I kept thinking she was cheating on me. Deep inside, I knew she wasn’t that type of person, but my mind always jumped to the worst conclusions. So I asked her about it. It led to a fight, because she said she didn’t know how she was being distant. I asked if there was somebody else. I had been thinking about it for some time and if she wanted to be with somebody else, I would let her go. I just wanted her to be happy. The fight got worse and I was about to end it. I couldn’t take the hurt, the pain I was experiencing. I’ve never felt this before and I didn’t like it. I wanted it to end. Right before I could tell her it was over she told me. She told me exactly what was happening in my nightmares. She was falling for me. I tried to end it then. I couldn’t let her fall for me. It was killing me to let her go but I had to do it. It would be better for both of us, even if she couldn’t see it. She fought me. She brought up every promise I made and everything I’ve told her about how I feel about her. She wasn’t letting me go without a fight. With every new point I found it harder and harder to stop talking to her, and end it. Then she said “tell me this is what you want, tell me that you want this to be over. I’ll accept it and leave you alone.” I didn’t say anything. She knew I didn’t want this to be over. I wanted her and this relationship. “Lie to me,” she had said. I couldn’t lie to her. Even if it was for the better, I just couldn’t. “I can’t. I can’t leave you.” I told her and pulled her into my arms. She was going to fall in love with me, and I couldn’t stop it. But I couldn’t lose her at the same time. I needed her.
I stared up at my ceiling as I kept remembering our relationship. A couple weeks after that fight she started being distant again. My mind, of course, starting jumping to the worst possible conclusion and I started another fight. That was the fight that she told me that she was in love with me. Those three words ended that fight faster than anything else could have. I felt my heart soar. Some of my past girlfriends have told me that they were in love with me, but it wasn’t the same coming from her. It made me feel good inside. I loved hearing her say it too. She didn’t want to even tell me in the first place. But I had to go off and start a fight. If I hadn’t I probably wouldn’t have found out. I was jealous of her though. I wanted to experience love. I wanted to feel for her what she felt for me, more than anything. I wanted to fall in love with her. I wanted to so bad.
I got my wish. The weekend after she told me I went out of town with my family to a small town in Colorado to visit family. I wasn’t going to be able to get cell service, so we wouldn’t be able to talk until I got back. The first day was the worst. It was hell not being able to talk to her. Every time I had a free moment to myself she was what I was thinking about. Even when I was preoccupied with something, she was in the back of my mind. When I went to bed that night, it hit me. I was in love with her. I’ve never felt these feelings before. But I knew it was love. I’ve never thought about a girlfriend like this before. It’s never bothered me that I couldn’t talk to them. I loved her and I had to tell her. I got out of bed and went to look for my grandma’s house phone. I thought about waiting until I got back home to tell her. That idea sounded better after I looked at the clock and saw that it was three in the morning, meaning that it was one in the morning over in Vegas. She would probably be in bed. But I found myself dialing her number anyway. I just had to tell her now. I was kind of worried, she doesn’t normally answer to numbers she doesn’t know. My grandma’s number definitely falls under that category. I listened to it ringing, hoping that’d she would answer anyway. She answered on the fifth ring. “Hello?” she mumbled. “Hey baby. Did I wake you up?” “Yeah sort of, where are you calling me from?” “My grandma’s house, but listen, I realized something.” I told her urgently. I felt bad I woke her up, I almost considered letting her go back to sleep and just telling her when I got home. But then she said, “And what’s that? You discovered that you rather have a semi-country girl from Colorado than me?” with a yawn and right then I wished for nothing more than to be able to be laying down with her, holding her in my arms. “No, you crazy head, I-“ I started. My heart skipped beat and I lost my breath. I couldn’t believe I was actually about to tell a girl that I was in love with her. I never thought I’d see this day. “You what?” she asked, completely alert now. I heard the small fear in her voice. She thought I was about to leave her. “I love you,” I whispered. “Are you sure?” she asked, cautious. “I’m positive, dear. You have no idea what I’ve been going through today not being able to talk to you. It hit me just before I called you. I had to tell you.” I said and breathed. I felt my heart race and my breath become shorter and shorter. “I love you,” she finally said back. I sighed in relief, she had no idea how hearing that made me feel. “Go back to bed. I’ll see you when I come home.” “Alright, goodnight,” she said, already on the verge of falling back asleep. “Goodnight, baby,” I said and hung up the phone. I lay back in bed, falling asleep with the world’s biggest smile.
I rolled over on my bed. I felt my stomach clench, I missed her. I’m an idiot. I pushed her into ending it. This is all my fault. I had to fix it. I need her. I need to talk to her.
Lyric: Five
Posted in on 12:16 PM by Anonymous
“I just don’t want to talk about it,” I said as I grabbed my tray off the counter and started to look for a table.
“But I’m your best friend,” Andrew pleaded as we sat down.
“So? That doesn’t mean I have to talk to you about every single detail of my life. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don’t want to talk about it, that maybe it hurts too much to even think about?”
“I’m just trying to help,” he whispered after a few seconds. My last sentence hurt him, I knew it. But really, I was sick of him trying to get me to talk to him about it. I didn’t even want to think about it. It was a miracle that I’ve made it to lunch without crying. Government was next, the class I had with Him, and I’ve been plotting how I could skip it since Psychology let out.
I glanced up and saw Andrew looking down at his Big Mac. “I’m sorry. I just really don’t want to talk about it. It hurts, and I don’t like this kind of pain.”
He nodded. “I get it. I don’t know why I keep trying. I know you won’t talk to me about anything you don’t want to. I’m just mad, I guess. I hate seeing you hurt like this, it’s almost unsettling. You’re never like this.”
I felt my heart sink. And here I was thinking I had hurt him with my words. He should have just taken a knife to my stomach; it probably would have hurt less. I didn’t need more reminders of how I changed. Every time I looked in a mirror I thought I looked different. I wasn’t myself. I wanted my old self back, more than Andrew or Blair did. I was finding it was going to be hard to find her though. I couldn’t find her if I was still hoping for Him back. I picked my phone out of my back pocket to check it, an annoying habit I’ve developed. I kept checking my phone like He was going to text me or something. I also had to stop myself from texting him. I couldn’t break. I had to prove I wasn’t the spineless girl I believe he thinks I am. The ball was currently in his court, if He wanted me back, He would come to me.
“We got to get going, or we won’t make it back to school in time.”
I glanced up and saw Andrew grabbing both our trays and throwing away the empty containers on them. That was definitely the con about being able to leave campus for lunch. You were on a time limit, and teachers weren’t lenient in any way, shape, or form if you were late to class after lunch.
“I don’t even want to go.” I said as Andrew started his car and drove off.
The whole seven minutes it took us to get to the school I was contemplating how I could get out of going to Government. I didn’t want to see Him. I didn’t think my heart could really take it. I didn’t know if I was ready to be in the same room with him knowing that I wouldn’t be able to go up and hug him when the bell rang.
I ended up in class. I was too wrapped up in my thoughts on how to get out of going, I never realized I actually walked into the classroom and sat at my desk. The tardy bell rang and I looked over to the last desk, two rows over and saw that the desk was empty. I couldn’t believe it. He actually ditched a class. I sat there racking my brain for a reason for why he would ditch class. I could only find one. He didn’t want to see me.
“But I’m your best friend,” Andrew pleaded as we sat down.
“So? That doesn’t mean I have to talk to you about every single detail of my life. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don’t want to talk about it, that maybe it hurts too much to even think about?”
“I’m just trying to help,” he whispered after a few seconds. My last sentence hurt him, I knew it. But really, I was sick of him trying to get me to talk to him about it. I didn’t even want to think about it. It was a miracle that I’ve made it to lunch without crying. Government was next, the class I had with Him, and I’ve been plotting how I could skip it since Psychology let out.
I glanced up and saw Andrew looking down at his Big Mac. “I’m sorry. I just really don’t want to talk about it. It hurts, and I don’t like this kind of pain.”
He nodded. “I get it. I don’t know why I keep trying. I know you won’t talk to me about anything you don’t want to. I’m just mad, I guess. I hate seeing you hurt like this, it’s almost unsettling. You’re never like this.”
I felt my heart sink. And here I was thinking I had hurt him with my words. He should have just taken a knife to my stomach; it probably would have hurt less. I didn’t need more reminders of how I changed. Every time I looked in a mirror I thought I looked different. I wasn’t myself. I wanted my old self back, more than Andrew or Blair did. I was finding it was going to be hard to find her though. I couldn’t find her if I was still hoping for Him back. I picked my phone out of my back pocket to check it, an annoying habit I’ve developed. I kept checking my phone like He was going to text me or something. I also had to stop myself from texting him. I couldn’t break. I had to prove I wasn’t the spineless girl I believe he thinks I am. The ball was currently in his court, if He wanted me back, He would come to me.
“We got to get going, or we won’t make it back to school in time.”
I glanced up and saw Andrew grabbing both our trays and throwing away the empty containers on them. That was definitely the con about being able to leave campus for lunch. You were on a time limit, and teachers weren’t lenient in any way, shape, or form if you were late to class after lunch.
“I don’t even want to go.” I said as Andrew started his car and drove off.
The whole seven minutes it took us to get to the school I was contemplating how I could get out of going to Government. I didn’t want to see Him. I didn’t think my heart could really take it. I didn’t know if I was ready to be in the same room with him knowing that I wouldn’t be able to go up and hug him when the bell rang.
I ended up in class. I was too wrapped up in my thoughts on how to get out of going, I never realized I actually walked into the classroom and sat at my desk. The tardy bell rang and I looked over to the last desk, two rows over and saw that the desk was empty. I couldn’t believe it. He actually ditched a class. I sat there racking my brain for a reason for why he would ditch class. I could only find one. He didn’t want to see me.
Lyric: Four
Posted in on 12:14 PM by Anonymous
I pulled into a parking spot and killed the ignition. I dropped my head onto my steering wheel and took a deep breath. ‘I can do this.’ I told myself. It was my mantra this morning. I didn’t want to go to school today. But I had to. I even passed up Blair’s offer to skip school and go shopping, and he’s the academic genius of the family. Not saying that the rest of my brothers are slackers, it’s not like that, but Blair is the last person I’d expect to tell me to skip school. That’s more Aidyn’s territory. But then again, nobody else knew what was going on with me, other than Blair. I’m even surprised he hasn’t told any of them. If something is wrong with one of us, and somebody knows what it is, they tell the others. Blair’s silence should be a relief to me. I don’t really want any of my other brothers to know what was going on. I didn’t need to hear the laughs and the “The girl who’s made of stone actually has feelings, how cute.” Yeah, I didn’t want to deal with that just yet. But at the same time, Blair’s silence was a bit weird. He didn’t want my other brothers to know, obviously, or he would have said something to them. He knows what they would do if they knew. Did he not want to see me get made fun of over this? It was the only conclusion I could come to, but it really didn’t make sense to me. Blair and Carson were the pros at making fun of me, and they took every opportunity they had to remind me of this fact. None of it added up.
The pound on my hood sent my thoughts, and my heart rate, out the window. I looked up to see Andrew lying on my hood. “What the heck are you doing?” I yelled out my window after I rolled it down.
“Trying out my new found passion for jumping on car hoods, duh.”
“Well next time, try it out on your car and not mine. I don’t feel like having dents in my car,” I yelled at him as I undid my seatbelt and got out of my car.
We walked in silence to the school. I knew he wanted to ask if I was okay, but he was stopping himself. He knows how much I hate being asked, and he knew I was going to lie anyway. There was really no point in asking, which is probably why he was restraining himself. I grabbed the handle to the front door when I first saw him. He was walking out of the door next to the one I was about to walk through. I felt my heart clench. He didn’t even glance at me. He was mad. I almost called out to him, to ask what was wrong. But I caught myself right before my mouth could make a sound. I couldn’t do that anymore. I didn’t have that right anymore.
I got to my first period and took my seat next to Andrew. Psychology was always a good period to start off to. Mr. Nelson was definitely my favorite teacher, by far.
“Eyes and ears up here please! We’re going to do The Box today.”
‘Oh great,’ I thought to myself. Any other day and I would love The Box, but writing down what’s on my mind right now isn’t exactly what I wanted to do today. I looked over at Andrew and saw him pull out his notebook and sheet of paper. “Hand me half?” I asked.
Andrew nodded and ripped his paper in half, handing me the other. I pulled a pen out of my backpack and stared at my paper, almost hoping words would just appear and I wouldn’t have to actually write anything down. The Box was anonymous, you wrote whatever was on your mind and the class would do whatever appropriate action was necessary. If there was a problem, whoever thought they had a solution would simply state it and whoever wrote it could take it into consideration or not. That was the beauty of The Box; you never knew who wrote what. But I couldn’t write what was really on my mind. If I wrote about him everybody would know I was the one who wrote it. I didn’t need the ‘I told you so’ or the sympathetic looks I was bound to receive if people found out. I knew eventually everybody would find out. My high school lived for that sort of juicy gossip. But as of right this second, nobody knew, and I wanted to keep it that way.
‘Chuck Norris uses a nightlight. Not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.’ I finally scratched out on my paper. I folded it up really small and nudged Andrew for his to put in the box. Everybody would probably know it was me who wrote the Chuck Norris joke. I was practically famous for knowing most of them. One time, in Psychology we had a sub. Naturally, we did The Box. Then, I was happy and didn’t really have anything on my mind, so I wrote a Chuck Norris joke. The sub got really into it and had me look some up online, then wanted to play a prank on the next period and wanted me to write a couple I saw online onto the bored and the next class would have to write it down. I did better than that. I filled up all three whiteboards in the front of the class, top to bottom, from my memory. As dorky as that sounds, I’m slightly proud of myself for being able to do it.
“I’m bored, hungry, and tired,” Mr. Nelson read from the first paper and sighed. Most of the kids wrote that or something extremely similar to it. It was sort of annoying. I pulled out my notebook and started doodling as Mr. Nelson pulled out the next sheet of paper.
The pound on my hood sent my thoughts, and my heart rate, out the window. I looked up to see Andrew lying on my hood. “What the heck are you doing?” I yelled out my window after I rolled it down.
“Trying out my new found passion for jumping on car hoods, duh.”
“Well next time, try it out on your car and not mine. I don’t feel like having dents in my car,” I yelled at him as I undid my seatbelt and got out of my car.
We walked in silence to the school. I knew he wanted to ask if I was okay, but he was stopping himself. He knows how much I hate being asked, and he knew I was going to lie anyway. There was really no point in asking, which is probably why he was restraining himself. I grabbed the handle to the front door when I first saw him. He was walking out of the door next to the one I was about to walk through. I felt my heart clench. He didn’t even glance at me. He was mad. I almost called out to him, to ask what was wrong. But I caught myself right before my mouth could make a sound. I couldn’t do that anymore. I didn’t have that right anymore.
I got to my first period and took my seat next to Andrew. Psychology was always a good period to start off to. Mr. Nelson was definitely my favorite teacher, by far.
“Eyes and ears up here please! We’re going to do The Box today.”
‘Oh great,’ I thought to myself. Any other day and I would love The Box, but writing down what’s on my mind right now isn’t exactly what I wanted to do today. I looked over at Andrew and saw him pull out his notebook and sheet of paper. “Hand me half?” I asked.
Andrew nodded and ripped his paper in half, handing me the other. I pulled a pen out of my backpack and stared at my paper, almost hoping words would just appear and I wouldn’t have to actually write anything down. The Box was anonymous, you wrote whatever was on your mind and the class would do whatever appropriate action was necessary. If there was a problem, whoever thought they had a solution would simply state it and whoever wrote it could take it into consideration or not. That was the beauty of The Box; you never knew who wrote what. But I couldn’t write what was really on my mind. If I wrote about him everybody would know I was the one who wrote it. I didn’t need the ‘I told you so’ or the sympathetic looks I was bound to receive if people found out. I knew eventually everybody would find out. My high school lived for that sort of juicy gossip. But as of right this second, nobody knew, and I wanted to keep it that way.
‘Chuck Norris uses a nightlight. Not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.’ I finally scratched out on my paper. I folded it up really small and nudged Andrew for his to put in the box. Everybody would probably know it was me who wrote the Chuck Norris joke. I was practically famous for knowing most of them. One time, in Psychology we had a sub. Naturally, we did The Box. Then, I was happy and didn’t really have anything on my mind, so I wrote a Chuck Norris joke. The sub got really into it and had me look some up online, then wanted to play a prank on the next period and wanted me to write a couple I saw online onto the bored and the next class would have to write it down. I did better than that. I filled up all three whiteboards in the front of the class, top to bottom, from my memory. As dorky as that sounds, I’m slightly proud of myself for being able to do it.
“I’m bored, hungry, and tired,” Mr. Nelson read from the first paper and sighed. Most of the kids wrote that or something extremely similar to it. It was sort of annoying. I pulled out my notebook and started doodling as Mr. Nelson pulled out the next sheet of paper.
Lyric: Three
Posted in on 12:13 PM by Anonymous
I got out of my seat to hand in my test. As I turned, I noticed him look up and watch me as I walked back to my seat. I gave him a quick wink as I sat down and pulled out my notebook to start doodling. We’ve been playing this eye tag/staring contest for the past couple of classes. He was definitely interested.
I smiled to myself as I opened my notebook and started my first doodle of the day. I’m no artist, please; I can barely draw a stick figure with a ruler. But I have this dinosaur thing I draw; it’s kind of pathetic actually. But it’s like my trademark. It’s my dinosaur. I also add song lyrics around the paper. It’s weird, but I like how it turns out. I was just finishing up the current doodle I was working on. It had more song lyrics I’ve ever put on any of my past doodles, it was definitely going to go up on my bedroom wall, when the bell rang. Andrew and Madison almost raced out of the class. They had some important ‘man’ business to take care of right after class. Perk one of being a senior; you get out of school early. I glanced over at him and noticed he was taking a really long time to pack his stuff together. I knew what was coming next; he was trying to time it just right so that we hit the top of our rows at the same time, so that we ended up being in ‘sync when we walked toward the door, definitely a classic. I threw my notebook in my backpack, zipped it up and started walking up my isle right as he did the same. I felt a huge grin come on to my face as we both ended up side by side as we walked to and out the door. “See you next class,” he mumbled as he turned left, and I went right.
“Butthead, you in there?” Blair asked as he knocked on my door.
“NO!” I yelled back, hoping he’d leave me alone.
“Good, I’m coming in,” he informed me as he walked into my room and shut the door behind him.
I sat up, grabbed Nicky, the stuffed animal my mother got me when I was home sick from school when I was six, and put him in my lap. “What?” I asked.
“What happened?” he asked as he joined me on my bed.
“What makes you think I want to talk about it?” I snapped.
“What makes you think I care if you want to talk about it or not?” he snapped back.
That’s one of the things I admired most about Blair, he could take whatever I threw at him, and hand it right back.
I sighed, “It’s nothing.”
“Oh yeah, sounds like a whole lot of nothing,” he said sarcastically.
“Why does it matter so much to you?”
“Because, you’re my little sister, and you’re the only one I got so I have to be an
over-protective asshole or else I’m not doing my job right.”
“You’ve never been so involved before.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, and you’ve never cared so much about your past relationships. I never had to be involved; you came to me and told me everything. I didn’t have to force it out of you.”
“Why can’t you just hate me like normal big brothers?”
He shrugged at that. I’ve asked that a billion times lately. He never had a response to it. “It doesn’t matter. Tell me what’s going on.”
“No. Blair, I don’t want to talk about it. I can hardly think about it without feeling like my spleen is being ripped out.”
“What’s happened to you?” he asked, suddenly. I looked up into his face, something changed. He looked concerned.
“No. Don’t do that, you know I hate that,” I said.
“That obvious?” he asked and looked down.
“Yes. Please, it’s me, remember?” I knew Blair as well as he knew me. Out of the five of us kids, me and him were the best at hiding our real feelings, and could fake a smile and fool everybody. Everybody that is, except for each other.
“I’m in love,” I mumbled, almost inaudible.
“I heard love is supposed to make you happy.”
“It does, except when you fight.”
“What did you guys fight about?”
“I honestly have no idea.” I said as I put Nicky aside and pulled my knees up to my chest.
“How do you not know?”
“I just, we were talking, joking. He gave some stupid scenario and it was ridiculous. I told him if he did it that I would probably end it. He pushed me, he said I couldn’t, I wouldn’t end it. I asked if he wanted to bet. He just kept pushing, telling me I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. As if I was too weak to actually make a decision on my own about us, and that he had all the control. I said it was over. I wasn’t even serious. I was kidding. I just wanted to be right, to prove that I could do something, even if it was a joke. I just think he thinks of me as some spineless, pathetic person. He took it seriously. I told him a hundred times that I was kidding, I didn’t mean it. But he got off the phone, and wouldn’t listen to me. He forced me to break my own heart.”
I felt something splash against my knee. I already knew what it was, it was a tear. I was crying. I hated myself. I felt weak. I don’t cry, ever. And I especially don’t cry in front of people, more important, I don’t cry in front of my brothers.
I felt Blair’s arms go around me as he pulled me, and my entire body into a hug. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” I heard him whisper and he squeezed me tight, letting me know that he understood, and he was there for me.
I smiled to myself as I opened my notebook and started my first doodle of the day. I’m no artist, please; I can barely draw a stick figure with a ruler. But I have this dinosaur thing I draw; it’s kind of pathetic actually. But it’s like my trademark. It’s my dinosaur. I also add song lyrics around the paper. It’s weird, but I like how it turns out. I was just finishing up the current doodle I was working on. It had more song lyrics I’ve ever put on any of my past doodles, it was definitely going to go up on my bedroom wall, when the bell rang. Andrew and Madison almost raced out of the class. They had some important ‘man’ business to take care of right after class. Perk one of being a senior; you get out of school early. I glanced over at him and noticed he was taking a really long time to pack his stuff together. I knew what was coming next; he was trying to time it just right so that we hit the top of our rows at the same time, so that we ended up being in ‘sync when we walked toward the door, definitely a classic. I threw my notebook in my backpack, zipped it up and started walking up my isle right as he did the same. I felt a huge grin come on to my face as we both ended up side by side as we walked to and out the door. “See you next class,” he mumbled as he turned left, and I went right.
“Butthead, you in there?” Blair asked as he knocked on my door.
“NO!” I yelled back, hoping he’d leave me alone.
“Good, I’m coming in,” he informed me as he walked into my room and shut the door behind him.
I sat up, grabbed Nicky, the stuffed animal my mother got me when I was home sick from school when I was six, and put him in my lap. “What?” I asked.
“What happened?” he asked as he joined me on my bed.
“What makes you think I want to talk about it?” I snapped.
“What makes you think I care if you want to talk about it or not?” he snapped back.
That’s one of the things I admired most about Blair, he could take whatever I threw at him, and hand it right back.
I sighed, “It’s nothing.”
“Oh yeah, sounds like a whole lot of nothing,” he said sarcastically.
“Why does it matter so much to you?”
“Because, you’re my little sister, and you’re the only one I got so I have to be an
over-protective asshole or else I’m not doing my job right.”
“You’ve never been so involved before.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, and you’ve never cared so much about your past relationships. I never had to be involved; you came to me and told me everything. I didn’t have to force it out of you.”
“Why can’t you just hate me like normal big brothers?”
He shrugged at that. I’ve asked that a billion times lately. He never had a response to it. “It doesn’t matter. Tell me what’s going on.”
“No. Blair, I don’t want to talk about it. I can hardly think about it without feeling like my spleen is being ripped out.”
“What’s happened to you?” he asked, suddenly. I looked up into his face, something changed. He looked concerned.
“No. Don’t do that, you know I hate that,” I said.
“That obvious?” he asked and looked down.
“Yes. Please, it’s me, remember?” I knew Blair as well as he knew me. Out of the five of us kids, me and him were the best at hiding our real feelings, and could fake a smile and fool everybody. Everybody that is, except for each other.
“I’m in love,” I mumbled, almost inaudible.
“I heard love is supposed to make you happy.”
“It does, except when you fight.”
“What did you guys fight about?”
“I honestly have no idea.” I said as I put Nicky aside and pulled my knees up to my chest.
“How do you not know?”
“I just, we were talking, joking. He gave some stupid scenario and it was ridiculous. I told him if he did it that I would probably end it. He pushed me, he said I couldn’t, I wouldn’t end it. I asked if he wanted to bet. He just kept pushing, telling me I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. As if I was too weak to actually make a decision on my own about us, and that he had all the control. I said it was over. I wasn’t even serious. I was kidding. I just wanted to be right, to prove that I could do something, even if it was a joke. I just think he thinks of me as some spineless, pathetic person. He took it seriously. I told him a hundred times that I was kidding, I didn’t mean it. But he got off the phone, and wouldn’t listen to me. He forced me to break my own heart.”
I felt something splash against my knee. I already knew what it was, it was a tear. I was crying. I hated myself. I felt weak. I don’t cry, ever. And I especially don’t cry in front of people, more important, I don’t cry in front of my brothers.
I felt Blair’s arms go around me as he pulled me, and my entire body into a hug. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” I heard him whisper and he squeezed me tight, letting me know that he understood, and he was there for me.
Lyric: Two
Posted in on 12:11 PM by Anonymous
I heard my stomach grumble, bringing me out of my train of thought on my used to be views on love. I decided I might as well eat something, it might help me think.
“Hey butthead,” my oldest brother, Blair, said as I grabbed a box of cereal out of the pantry.
I made my cereal, ignoring what Blair said. It was times like this that I really wish I could hide my feelings better around my brothers. They know me way too well.
“Oh, let me guess, Him?” Blair said as he got up from the table. I shrugged my shoulders in response. I didn’t want to talk about it. I could barely think about it to myself without feeling like I got kicked in the stomach and somebody was taking a jackhammer to my heart.
“I’m really sick of seeing you like this, you know. I miss the old you, the one who always had a smile on her face.” He said as he walked out of the room and I felt my heart sink lower. Blair knew me best out of all my brothers; he was the one I was closest to. I ran to him first out of anybody. The fact that he said something made me feel weaker; it was a reminder of how much I’ve changed. I’m quickly learning that I didn’t like it much.
He had a reputation. And a bad one at that. “He just wanted me for sex.” I heard Mia Willcox sob in the girl’s bathroom after they broke up. I almost felt bad for her, but it was her fault for falling for the boy. ‘Love is such a sham.’ I told myself as I walked out of the bathroom to head for my government class. The first day of school was always full of lovely rumors and stories of summer ‘love’. I walked into my class and immediately looked around for anybody that I knew. I saw Andrew sitting next to Madison in the back corner and took the seat right behind Andrew.
“Hey!” Andrew said as I sat down. “That’s like three classes now.”
“I know. It’s almost like the school wants us to be attached at the hip.” Andrew is also in my Psychology and English class.
I noticed him walk in right before the bell rang and took the seat two rows over. He was breathtakingly cute. Not even in the he didn’t even realize it way. No, he knew how cute he really was and he used it to his advantage. I’ve heard so many stories. I didn’t doubt the probability of them; he seemed like just the type to do what everybody said he did. He was heartless and didn’t believe in love. He didn’t care about the girls he chose to call his girlfriend until he got bored of them, as long as he got what he wanted.
“Well, what do we have here?” Madison said, pulling me from my train of thought.
“Oh, no,” Andrew said, following Madison’s gaze.
They both noticed. They noticed him walk in, take his seat and then watch me glance over and somewhat stare as I replayed the stories I heard in my head. They were going to figure it out.
“Don’t do it,” Andrew said, warning me.
“He only wants sex,” Madison threw in for a good measure.
“What?” I asked them, pretending to be extremely confused to what they were talking
about.
“Don’t pretend to be confused. We know you better than that,” Andrew reminded me. I really hate when he pulls that card. I have absolutely no defense for it.
“You guys,” I sighed. I’m not stupid; this is me we’re talking about. Come on; give me a bit more credit.
“Back corner, the lesson is up here.” Mr. Green said, reminding me that I was even in class.
I glanced back over at him and smiled to myself. Now, I’m not the type of girl that he normally goes for. ‘Whore’ isn’t one of the words ever used to describe me. But boy do I like a challenge. I saw Madison glance back at me and roll his eyes at me as if he had x-ray vision and could literally see the plan-making wheels in my head turning.
“Hello? Anybody in there?” Colten, the second youngest, asked as he waved a hand in front of my face.
“Shut up,” I said as I started to get up from the table.
“Ouch, can I have some ice for that?” he said as he grabbed a soda from the fridge and took a seat at the table.
I ignored his statement. I was beginning to regret my decision to even come out of my room. I put my dish in the sink, walked up the stairs and ignored Colten’s comments as he called after me.
“Hey butthead,” my oldest brother, Blair, said as I grabbed a box of cereal out of the pantry.
I made my cereal, ignoring what Blair said. It was times like this that I really wish I could hide my feelings better around my brothers. They know me way too well.
“Oh, let me guess, Him?” Blair said as he got up from the table. I shrugged my shoulders in response. I didn’t want to talk about it. I could barely think about it to myself without feeling like I got kicked in the stomach and somebody was taking a jackhammer to my heart.
“I’m really sick of seeing you like this, you know. I miss the old you, the one who always had a smile on her face.” He said as he walked out of the room and I felt my heart sink lower. Blair knew me best out of all my brothers; he was the one I was closest to. I ran to him first out of anybody. The fact that he said something made me feel weaker; it was a reminder of how much I’ve changed. I’m quickly learning that I didn’t like it much.
He had a reputation. And a bad one at that. “He just wanted me for sex.” I heard Mia Willcox sob in the girl’s bathroom after they broke up. I almost felt bad for her, but it was her fault for falling for the boy. ‘Love is such a sham.’ I told myself as I walked out of the bathroom to head for my government class. The first day of school was always full of lovely rumors and stories of summer ‘love’. I walked into my class and immediately looked around for anybody that I knew. I saw Andrew sitting next to Madison in the back corner and took the seat right behind Andrew.
“Hey!” Andrew said as I sat down. “That’s like three classes now.”
“I know. It’s almost like the school wants us to be attached at the hip.” Andrew is also in my Psychology and English class.
I noticed him walk in right before the bell rang and took the seat two rows over. He was breathtakingly cute. Not even in the he didn’t even realize it way. No, he knew how cute he really was and he used it to his advantage. I’ve heard so many stories. I didn’t doubt the probability of them; he seemed like just the type to do what everybody said he did. He was heartless and didn’t believe in love. He didn’t care about the girls he chose to call his girlfriend until he got bored of them, as long as he got what he wanted.
“Well, what do we have here?” Madison said, pulling me from my train of thought.
“Oh, no,” Andrew said, following Madison’s gaze.
They both noticed. They noticed him walk in, take his seat and then watch me glance over and somewhat stare as I replayed the stories I heard in my head. They were going to figure it out.
“Don’t do it,” Andrew said, warning me.
“He only wants sex,” Madison threw in for a good measure.
“What?” I asked them, pretending to be extremely confused to what they were talking
about.
“Don’t pretend to be confused. We know you better than that,” Andrew reminded me. I really hate when he pulls that card. I have absolutely no defense for it.
“You guys,” I sighed. I’m not stupid; this is me we’re talking about. Come on; give me a bit more credit.
“Back corner, the lesson is up here.” Mr. Green said, reminding me that I was even in class.
I glanced back over at him and smiled to myself. Now, I’m not the type of girl that he normally goes for. ‘Whore’ isn’t one of the words ever used to describe me. But boy do I like a challenge. I saw Madison glance back at me and roll his eyes at me as if he had x-ray vision and could literally see the plan-making wheels in my head turning.
“Hello? Anybody in there?” Colten, the second youngest, asked as he waved a hand in front of my face.
“Shut up,” I said as I started to get up from the table.
“Ouch, can I have some ice for that?” he said as he grabbed a soda from the fridge and took a seat at the table.
I ignored his statement. I was beginning to regret my decision to even come out of my room. I put my dish in the sink, walked up the stairs and ignored Colten’s comments as he called after me.
Lyric
Posted in on 12:10 PM by Anonymous
I jolted straight up as I awoke from my nightmare. I felt my heart keep racing as I glanced around my surroundings to verify that yes; I was still in my room. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand, “12:36” it reads, with the little, ugly, red dot next to the “P.M.” lettering on the side to inform me that whatever time I was reading, it was definitely in the afternoon. I let out a huge sigh and I was slowly brought to reality. ‘It’s just a nightmare.’ I kept telling myself.
‘He’s still mine.’ I tell myself and I feel a smile creep onto my lips as I start looking for my phone. My eye catches a sliver of black peeking out from under my pillow. I reached under and find my phone, feeling hopeful. I pressed a button to bring up the screen, but it was empty. No text messages, no calls, no voicemail, nothing. I stared at the picture of him I had as my wallpaper and I felt my heart sink. I think back to last night and the fight. Did I really let him leave like that? I couldn’t have, he means too much to me. I’ve fought every other time, why would I have just let him go? I started racking my brain for my current options. Call him? No, that would show weakness. Leave him alone and face the reality of him actually being gone? No, I’m not strong enough for that. It’s a lose-lose situation either way I looked at it. Either I show him that I am in fact, human, and therefore prone to weakness, something I’ve been saying I’m not since the day we met. Or I actually let him go, never get over him and let myself be miserable for the rest of my life. That last part sounds over-dramatic, I tell myself. But I already know. I know that there is nobody else that could compare to him. There is no one that could ever make me feel the emotions he’s made me feel. If I lose him, I’ll never fall in love again.
I feel my phone vibrate, causing hope to start swimming through my body. I immediately pick it up check it. It’s my best friend, Andrew. I felt my heart sink lower than it originally was.
“Hello,” I said as I put my phone to my ear.
“Hey, are you okay?” Andrew asked in his concerned voice, which made me cringe. I
hate it when people feel concerned for me, it makes me feel weak.
“I’m fine,” I say, my voice short and stern. I was hoping Andrew would get the message that I didn’t feel like talking. I needed to think. I need to figure out what I was going to do. I couldn’t have him in my ear telling me what he thought.
“Alright, I was just checking. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Yeah, Okay, Bye.” I said and hit the end button on my phone to disconnect the call. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to calm myself down. I still felt my heart racing. I needed a clear mind. I did a couple of deep breaths to try and steady myself, I felt sick. I pulled my knees up to my chest, put my elbows on top of them and put my head in my hands. I felt something wet hit my thigh; I looked down and realized I was crying. I don’t like this feeling, I decided as I uncurled my body and lay on my side.
I knew exactly what my problem was, I love him. Ever since I met him I’ve found myself changing. Not changing in ways to fit in better with him, but changing what I believed and thought. Before I met him, I never believed in love. I thought it was crutch, an excuse for people to put up with somebody else’s bullshit that they normally wouldn’t have put up with. I thought it was an excuse to deal with somebody telling you what to do, who wasn’t your parent. I thought love was total bullshit. After watching my closest friends fall in love and then stood by as they got their heartbroken. “Love isn’t real.” I’d tell them. I was so sick of hearing those phrases, “I promise,” “Forever and ever,” and “Unconditional.” It was total bullshit. Promises get broken. Forever and ever has its end. Unconditional has its conditions. I was sick of watching my friends willingly put themselves in a position where one single person could literally destroy them from the inside. I was never going to do it. I have complete and total control over my emotions. That’s why my relationships never last. That and I couldn’t handle boy’s bullshit. Jealous boys? Not my thing. I grew up with four older brothers, sports-obsessed brothers, naturally I get along with boys better than girls. I was tough. Being the baby and the only girl of the family caused me to be prone to getting picked on, and if I wanted to be accepted by my brothers, I had to be able to talk about stuff they liked, and show no weakness. I grew up a tomboy. Clingy boys? Forget that too. I need my space; I need my girl time too. I don’t want to be smothered by a boy. I have four brothers and a best friend who are all up in my life. I don’t need another person who’s more than likely temporary in my life to be a part of that. I took a boy’s view to love and relationships, everything was temporary, and just for fun. Boys tried to break through everything and get close to me, but they couldn’t. I had complete control of where my emotions went. All that changed when I met him.
‘He’s still mine.’ I tell myself and I feel a smile creep onto my lips as I start looking for my phone. My eye catches a sliver of black peeking out from under my pillow. I reached under and find my phone, feeling hopeful. I pressed a button to bring up the screen, but it was empty. No text messages, no calls, no voicemail, nothing. I stared at the picture of him I had as my wallpaper and I felt my heart sink. I think back to last night and the fight. Did I really let him leave like that? I couldn’t have, he means too much to me. I’ve fought every other time, why would I have just let him go? I started racking my brain for my current options. Call him? No, that would show weakness. Leave him alone and face the reality of him actually being gone? No, I’m not strong enough for that. It’s a lose-lose situation either way I looked at it. Either I show him that I am in fact, human, and therefore prone to weakness, something I’ve been saying I’m not since the day we met. Or I actually let him go, never get over him and let myself be miserable for the rest of my life. That last part sounds over-dramatic, I tell myself. But I already know. I know that there is nobody else that could compare to him. There is no one that could ever make me feel the emotions he’s made me feel. If I lose him, I’ll never fall in love again.
I feel my phone vibrate, causing hope to start swimming through my body. I immediately pick it up check it. It’s my best friend, Andrew. I felt my heart sink lower than it originally was.
“Hello,” I said as I put my phone to my ear.
“Hey, are you okay?” Andrew asked in his concerned voice, which made me cringe. I
hate it when people feel concerned for me, it makes me feel weak.
“I’m fine,” I say, my voice short and stern. I was hoping Andrew would get the message that I didn’t feel like talking. I needed to think. I need to figure out what I was going to do. I couldn’t have him in my ear telling me what he thought.
“Alright, I was just checking. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Yeah, Okay, Bye.” I said and hit the end button on my phone to disconnect the call. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to calm myself down. I still felt my heart racing. I needed a clear mind. I did a couple of deep breaths to try and steady myself, I felt sick. I pulled my knees up to my chest, put my elbows on top of them and put my head in my hands. I felt something wet hit my thigh; I looked down and realized I was crying. I don’t like this feeling, I decided as I uncurled my body and lay on my side.
I knew exactly what my problem was, I love him. Ever since I met him I’ve found myself changing. Not changing in ways to fit in better with him, but changing what I believed and thought. Before I met him, I never believed in love. I thought it was crutch, an excuse for people to put up with somebody else’s bullshit that they normally wouldn’t have put up with. I thought it was an excuse to deal with somebody telling you what to do, who wasn’t your parent. I thought love was total bullshit. After watching my closest friends fall in love and then stood by as they got their heartbroken. “Love isn’t real.” I’d tell them. I was so sick of hearing those phrases, “I promise,” “Forever and ever,” and “Unconditional.” It was total bullshit. Promises get broken. Forever and ever has its end. Unconditional has its conditions. I was sick of watching my friends willingly put themselves in a position where one single person could literally destroy them from the inside. I was never going to do it. I have complete and total control over my emotions. That’s why my relationships never last. That and I couldn’t handle boy’s bullshit. Jealous boys? Not my thing. I grew up with four older brothers, sports-obsessed brothers, naturally I get along with boys better than girls. I was tough. Being the baby and the only girl of the family caused me to be prone to getting picked on, and if I wanted to be accepted by my brothers, I had to be able to talk about stuff they liked, and show no weakness. I grew up a tomboy. Clingy boys? Forget that too. I need my space; I need my girl time too. I don’t want to be smothered by a boy. I have four brothers and a best friend who are all up in my life. I don’t need another person who’s more than likely temporary in my life to be a part of that. I took a boy’s view to love and relationships, everything was temporary, and just for fun. Boys tried to break through everything and get close to me, but they couldn’t. I had complete control of where my emotions went. All that changed when I met him.
Introduction:
Posted in on 10:52 PM by Anonymous
I'm a closet writer and when a story pops into my mind I feel the need to write it down and get it started. Unfortunately, I rarely finish them. But I still try. I just lose my train of thought but I pick it up later. I write when I have a lot on my mind. I like to people watch and that's where I get most of my story ideas from. But I also write when stuff is bugging me and I have a war raging inside my head. So my blog is pretty much going to be a mix of my writing and my mental wars. Enjoy. :)
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